Imitation And Life, Volume XIV

By Michael - Louis Ingram
Updated: August 28, 2011

By Michael – Louis Ingram, BASN Associate Editor


PHILADELPHIA (BASN): Just like Back in the Day at the all – night theaters on Forty Deuce in Noo Yawk, access to the upper balcony meant you brought something to smoke – or something to eat.

Since there are no puff/puff/pass restrictions here, feel free to access whenever you wish…

Oh, by the way – since I hate that stupid promo with the box of popcorn and other snacks singing “let’s go out to the lob…by”, here’s my version of a pre-film PSA:

Brothers Charles and David Koch, with a combined worth around $35 billion dollars, are waging a war against President Obama.


The Koch brothers are the majority owners in Koch Industries, America’s second-largest private company with revenues of $100 billion in 2009, and 80,000 employees in 60 countries.

Koch Industries main source of revenue is from the manufacturing, refining and distribution of petroleum. They are major financiers of the Tea Party.

They also are providing money to run anti-democratic ads.

Do not allow your money to be used to sponsor the Tea Party.

Don’t buy these products – many of them produced by Georgia Pacific:


Angel Soft toilet paper, Brawny paper towels, Dixie plates, bowls napkins & cups, Mardi Gras napkins and bowls, Quilted Northern toilet paper, Soft ‘n Gentle toilet paper, Sparkle napkins, Vanity Fair napkins and Zee napkins.

And now, our feature presentation:

Pryor Felonies

Former Ohio State field hand Terrelle Pryor, fresh off his 31- 4 record and exile from the Columbus plantation, took a five game suspension from college to the pros courtesy of his former overseer, Jim Tressel…

{About this pile-of-shit pimp in here; in this country, we try to protect the rights of individuals. It’s called the Miranda Act, and it says that you can’t even touch his ass.}

(I do not want to touch his ass. I want to make him talk.)

Tressel did talk – after information came out about improprieties on his part re Pryor and other players pimped into ho’ing for Big 10 dollars. It didn’t matter that similar actions led to Tressel’s firing at Youngstown State; why he beat Michigan every year in the Big Game – so his exit was worth the $20 million dollar golden parachute to Ohio State once Tressel was pushed out of the plane…

Meanwhile, Pryor is proclaimed Public Enemy #1 in the mainstream cesspool and the Niggers’ Collective of Athletes Association (NCAA); because of free tattoos and gold pants; in spite of his #2 jersey selling over $2.5 million dollars in revenue…

((“You want to know what my crime is? My crime was being born. I’m thirty-eight years old, and I’ve been locked up twenty-six of those. I educated myself in here, and I’ve come to understand that this country was built on exploiting the black man. Of course, I don’t hear anything about brothers in your country. But your country exploits its own people just the same, so I guess that makes me the only Marxist around here, right, Comrade? You see, boy, this ain’t just no drug deal! This is politics, baby, this is economics, this is spiritual! I plan to sell drugs to every white man in the world… and his sister!”))

So, in a supplemental draft designed to X Pryor out of the equation, he became the only player to be selected – by Oakland in the third round. The move momentarily bailed NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell out of a potential Supreme Court situation as Pryor says publicly he won’t challenge the forwarded five game suspension levied by Massa Goodell.

Had Pryor returned to his Ol’ Columbus Home, he would’ve not have been allowed to pick pigskins for five games; and only after told he is now persona non grata by the Plantation – for the next five years.

So, as soon as Pryor puts his John Henry on a pro contract, he gets to serve more time than Brett Favre did for (allegedly) taking pictures of his cock to entice someone other than his wife (’cause he’s a star, you know?)

More than Matt “White Lines” Jones did for being caught with cocaine in an automobile…

More than Joey Porter got for having the nerve to complain about “White Lines” Jones not doing any time…

And more than Ben Roethlispervert for two (alleged) sexual assault issues…

(I have car under control.)

{Yeah, I’m sure they taught you all about cars and the price of insurance at your famous Russian school in Kiev!}

(In socialist countries, insurance not necessary; state pays for everything.)

{Yeah- well, tell me something, Captain. If you’ve got such a fucking paradise over there, how come you’re up the same creek as we are with heroin and cocaine?}

(Chinese find way. Right after revolution, they round up all drug dealers, all drug addicts; take them to Public Square, and shoot them in back of head.)

{Ah, it’d never work here. Fucking politicians wouldn’t go for it.}

(Shoot them first!)

Works for me…

(Dialogue between James Belushi, Brent Jennings and Arnold Schwarzenegger in “Red Heat”)

Scott Fujita, a NFLPA representative, when informed of the Pryor ruling, replied that “Pandora’s Box has been opened.”

While Fujita would not speak further on Goodell’s actions, my immediate assessment was

“I want that man charged…for impersonating a Cracker!”

(Parley Baer in “Doctor Detroit”)

Where’s Mike Curtis?

The 2011 Arena Football League playoffs provided one of the most scathingly scurrilous endings in recent memory.

One of the most appealing things about Arena Football to its fan base is the intimate connection with fans at the field of play. Balls thrown into the stands are kept as souvenirs, along with the eye level crunch of pads & helmets at prices that don’t crunch the wallet.

But shit got outta hand during a playoff game between the Georgia Force and the home team, the Jacksonville Sharks. Late in the game after a Jacksonville score, the Sharks kick to Georgia. As Force receiver CJ Johnson settles into catching the ball, an asshole in the stands grabs Johnson by the helmet and attempts to gouge Johnson in the eyes!

After a 15 yard penalty was levied the asshole stands up and gets a standing ovation from the crowd! Even worse, there are Jacksonville Sharks applauding this jackass!

Now if Johnson had pulled his punk ass onto the field and started whippin’ that ass, they would’ve arrested him…

But instead, Jacksonville goes to the Arena Bowl. If the league commissioner had any guts, he would’ve officially forfeited the result and sent Georgia to the championship game to send a very clear message about any further fan interference; but I digress…

(“Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you – send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth.”)

{“I’ll tell you what I’ll do: I’ll take five and ten in Woolworth.}

(Groucho Marx & Chico Marx in “Duck Soup”)

Levity aside, I can remember when Curtis, the former NFL linebacker for the Baltimore Colts, pole-axed some dumb-ass who ran out on the field of play. Of course no charges were pressed (to my knowledge, anyway).

But players (and officials) have been attacked on playing fields. Because the variable can change from some dimwit who wants fifteen seconds of fame before he gets his ass zapped by a Taser, to a drunken father/son tandem bent on killing the umpire, the legal system should be full bore up their worthless behinds.

However, since come stains like this Jacksonville ‘fan’ seem to escape the short arm of the law, may I suggest an alternative…


(“Well, you certainly made it very clear how your legal system works Mr. Young. Now, I’d like to explain a little bit about the Peter Blunt system. You see, I don’t go in for lawsuits and motions or any of the legal stuff. No, no, you see what happens is, uh, I find out where you live and then I come to your house, see? And I beat down your door with a fucking baseball bat! And, then I make a bonfire with the Chippendale, maybe roast that Golden Retriever, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof…then eat it! And then I’m coming upstairs, junior, and I’m gonna grab you by your Brooks Bros. P.J.s, and then I’m gonna take your brand new B.M.W., and cram it up your tight ass! Do we have an understanding?”)

(Randy Quaid in “Caddyshack II”)

Mighty White of You

The resident rats at The Mouse have come up with a real gem this time. ESPN The Magazine has devoted its latest issue to Michael Vick.

Lest you think these Dick Dastardly muthafuckas are looking to do the Philadelphia Eagles quarterback a favor, think again. Apparently, some genius thought it was a good idea to depict Vick as White in the cover image.

Never mind the lightweight who wrote it, this was a management decision to further demean Vick while pimpin’ off his ass. Why Vick was stupid enough to grant these vultures this much exposure is another story altogether!

It wasn’t enough that the Mouse Hordes actively campaigned to put his Black ass in jail, and made every effort to demean his skills once he came back.

It wasn’t enough that in spite of his accomplishments last season, the mainstream football scumbag scribes deliberately left the All -NFL second team QB spot vacant while every other spot was accounted for, as a direct snub to Vick.

It still isn’t enough that in spite of the fact he has done Black time in a federal prison, the debt (in the minds of some) will never be paid. Hell, Donte Stallworth received less time for killing a human being!

The ultimate insult is that implied premise of the main story is the last thing anyone in the Mouse Hole wanted to address before campaigning to send Vick to jail and destroy his playing career.

Because Brett Favre will never go to jail for bustin’ a cap in Bambi or Bullwinkle; and Tom Brady will never be nailed for making Bridget Moynahan a Baby Mama (some role model, eh?)

The creation of the Vanilla Vick cover served the same purpose as Newsweek’s darkening of O.J. Simpson’s visage after the Brown – Simpson/Goldman murders – feeding a beast of racial resentment; and for the author to say he had no idea what they would do with his copy is a weak response at best.

The lowlifes behind this would have you believe they’re being “journalists” – but if Mike had his wits about him, it would roll more like this:

(“M. Ben M’Hidi, don’t you think it’s a bit cowardly to use women’s baskets and handbags to carry explosive devices that kill so many innocent people?”)

{“And doesn’t it seem to you even more cowardly to drop napalm bombs on defenseless villages, so that there are a thousand times more innocent victims? Of course, if we had your airplanes it would be a lot easier for us. Give us your bombers, and you can have our baskets.”}

(Brahim Hadjadj to the media in “The Battle of Algiers”)

To be continued…

Remember, gang – just because it’s celluloid; doesn’t mean it’s not out to get you!

Always outnumbered…never outgunned…

Copyright 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011 c Michael – Louis Ingram