The Return of Imitation & Life (#13)

By Michael-Louis Ingram
Updated: July 17, 2011

PHILADELPHIA (BASN): Here we go again, gang; movie translations of real revelations (movie quotes in bold & italics).

Always remember: just because you’re celluloid…doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you…

Bring Me The Head of Rafael Palmeiro!

After failing to snag their big fish in Barry Lamar Bonds the government’s long awaited (and comparatively hushed – up) perjury trial of Roger Clemens ended before those chords from “Law & Order” could be played.

A series of courtroom fuck – ups (based on evidence exposed which was not for the jury’s consumption) led to the proceedings culminating in…a mistrial. My first reaction…

“You guys are definitely on my shit list!”

The “analysis” of said actions was determined to be an egregious error, but with a team of seasoned federal prosecutors, co – counselors, paralegals and clerks to oversee an investigation taking years to prepare a potential slam – dunk guilty verdict…

“I can smell shit 100 miles away… sometimes closer.”

In spite of this ineptitude, fears of compensation (on the part of the prosecution) were quickly put to rest…

“Am I still gonna get paid?”

{Yeah, you’ll get paid.}

Although initial overtures were that a new trial would be forthcoming, my vibe is enough damage has been sufficiently done to compromise prosecution due to public opinion and the premise a ‘fair trial’ can’t be had; in large part because they didn’t get the guy they really wanted…

“Nobody loses all the time.”

Frankly, this bullshit’s enough to drive a brotha to drink. I’ll have a…

“Double bourbon with a champagne back, none of your tijano bullshit, and fuck off!”

(Dialogue between Robert Webber & Warren Oates in “Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia”)

The whole Clemens affair was some straight up Dick Dastardly shit; proving once again that…

“There are rats – and there are… RATS!”

(Christopher Lloyd as Hovis the Rat in “The Tale of Despereaux.”)

Let’s Take It to the Stage, Sucker!

As of this writing the NFL and NFLPA may well be working toward an agreement; so it’s time to rewind on some of the more memorable moments since shit jumped off:

Dominique Rodgers – Cromartie was the first victim of the lockout. To his credit, the New York Jets cornerback was also the one who offered the sagest advice, basically telling all parties involved to (paraphrasing) “stop all the bullshit and get things settled – I got bills to pay!”

Well, one of his union brethren, Matt Hasselbeck, thought it was a good idea to make fun of Cromartie since everybody at The Mouse did, too!

So Hasselbeck, via Twitter, tweeted, “Somebody ask Cromartie if he knows what CBA stands for.”

{“‘Nigger’ is just another word for guilty…”}

After the tweet was later caught by many people and released by news sources, Cromartie obviously got word of what happened; and decided to address the issue by pulling Hasselbeck’s punk card.

After Hasselbeck deleted his original tweet, Cromartie tweeted back the following:

“Hey Matt if u have something to say then be a man about it. Don’t erase it. I will smash ur face in.”

“There ain’t enough bullets in the world for all them crackers.”

(Dialogue between Esther Rolle & Ving Rhames in “Rosewood.”)

Since Cromartie didn’t respond like a grinning idiot, Hasselbeck completed his bitch – up by implying it was “a joke.”

I think “CBA” now stands for “Cromatie Bitch-Slaps Asshole.”

“I’ll – I Bitch- Slap you back to Africa!” (Jackie Chan to Chris Tucker in “Rush Hour 2”)

Then there was the stance of Commissioner Roger Goodell – whose decree from the owners was (in my humble) to break the union. Not that there was much union to break, mind you; but the destruction of a union whose rank and file was predominatly minority (and in a definite upper tax bracket) can be a real ego stroke to a demagogue – in – training…

“This whole country’s just like my flock of sheep!”


“Rednecks, crackers, hillbillies, hausfraus, shut-ins, pea-pickers – everybody that’s got to jump when somebody else blows the whistle. They don’t know it yet, but they’re all gonna be ‘Fighters for Fuller’. They’re mine! I own ’em! They think like I do. Only they’re even more stupid than I am, so I gotta think for ’em. Marcia, you just wait and see. I’m gonna be the power behind the president – and you’ll be the power behind me!

Through the negotiations, Goodell was at loggerheads with DeMaurice Smith, head of the decertified NFL Players Association. Between orders of cracked crab, the two combatants squeak…while The Mouse roars …

“Here you see the lepers of the great television industry; men without faces. Why, they even slide our paychecks under the door so they can pretend we’re not here.”

As the days drag on, the only thing that remains constant is whether player or coach, owner or media can keep their foot out of their mouths…

“You gotta be a saint to stand all the power that little box can give you.”

But without question the most intriguing element of the lockout era thus far was the interview Pittsburgh Steelers’ linebacker James Harrison gave Men’s Journal.

Harrison blasted several players, but saved much of his venom for Goodell. While there was much critique for what Harrison said, the source of Harrison’s scorn came from the reality that while he had a reputation as an ass-kicker and tough player, he was never known as a dirty one – prior to Goodell showcasing him to the tune of over six figures in fines.

While Goodell has not immediately reacted, his previous reactions in playing sheriff to Michael Vick, Joey Porter and other uppity Negroes (while excusing Matt “White Lines” Jones and Brett “One Ball Hang Low” Favre) show his outward calm belies his seething contempt. Why do I say this?

“Didn’t you know? All mild men are vicious. They hate themselves for being mild, and they hate the windy extroverts whose violence seems to have a strange attraction for nice girls. You should know better.”

(Dialogue between Walter Matthau, Particia Neal & Andy Griffith in “A Face in the Crowd.”)

D. J. Please – Pick up the Phone (It’s the Request Line!)

And as if that weren’t bad enough, some jock – sniffing, ass – licking prick named Gary Myers had his Premium Saltine moment writing a column in a recent Sunday edition of the New York Daily News.

Myers reacted like a whiney l’il beeyotch when responding to an informal poll taken by some NFL players, who were asked to name who they thought were the top players in the League.

Those polls formed a variation of a series the League was running on the NFL Network. Instead of the Top 100 Players of All Time, the poll was reserved to the Top 100 Players as of last season.

The selections, by the players produced some surprising results; but Myers lost his damn mind because of the 100 players chosen by the players, New York Giants QB Eli Manning and Jets QB Mark Sanchez were not on the list.

Like the bellicose, bloviating, bottom – feeding blatherskite that he is, Myers had the nerve to say that the players don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about, adding “when it comes to selecting All-Pro teams and Hall of Famers, continue to leave the voting to the media, which actually follows the game and does its homework.”

What a self-serving crock of shit!

That this garrulous guttersnipe would have the unmitigated gall to think he knows more than the cats who actually ball for a living is in sync with the unspoken agenda the League and the Despicable Them mandate through the keyboards of their gonad – gargling groupies…

“Do you really believe I would have a Nigger run our family business, Randolph?”

{Of course not…neither would I.}

(Dialogue between Don Ameche and Ralph Bellamy in “Trading Places.”)

To be continued…

Always outnumbered…never outgunned.

Copyright c 2011 Michael – Louis Ingram