The Miseducation Of Ms. Marion Jones

By Wendell P. Simpson
Updated: July 26, 2008

ORLANDO — One could say Marion Jones has gone loopy during her time on lock down: she’s recently written to George Bush — in earnest — asking the Prez to grant her a pardon on her conviction of lying to federal investigators about her doping and a million dollar-plus check fraud scheme involving the father of her oldest son.

During the sentencing phase of her trial, a tearful Jones pled for leniency. “I have admitted these (mistakes) late,” Jones said, “but hopefully not too late to elicit from you the milk of human kindness.”

But Judge Kenneth Karas’ milk was sour. “Athletes in society have an elevated status,” Karas lectured. ” They …serve as role models for children around the world…when there is this widespread cheating, it sends all the wrong messages…”

Karas handed the disgraced one-time darling of U.S. women’s track and field a six months sentence, the maximum allowed under her plea agreement.

With pockets full of regrets and time on her hands to think about it all, Jones has concocted a brand new scheme, turning to the ultimate authority, the President of the United States, to flip her sorry script.

Now everybody’s laughing at her, and on the surface of things, the ridicule might seem righteous. But hold on there, Baba Looey: Maybe baby girl ain’t so dumb after all. Maybe she’s peeped a list of past Presidential pardons and asked herself, “If these muthafuckas, why not me?”

In the interest of Justice and fairness — c’mon everybody, chant it with me, ya’ll remember how it goes: ‘Free Marion Jones! Free Marion Jones! Free Marion Jones!’ — this gadfly has assembled a list of some of the more famous and infamous freed and clemency’d for the President’s consumption.

That way the he can know he’s in good company when her throws open the cellblock door for Ms. Thing.

The list, in no particular order (compiled from

President Andrew Johnson: Pardoned the entire Confederacy Army

President Jimmy Carter: Pardoned Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederacy, posthumously; commuted the sentenced of Patty Hearst; pardoned the crazed, bloody and maniacal anarchist (sic) folk singer Pete Yarrow; all Vietnam draft dodgers; and G. Gordon Liddy, the Watergate conspirator.

Gerald Ford: Pardoned Richard Nixon, Robert E. Lee and Iva Toguri D’Aquino, better known as “Tokyo Rose.”

Richard Nixon: Pardoned Jimmy Hoffa.

Grover Cleveland: Commuted the sentence of Marcus Garvey, then deported him.

Ronald Reagan (this one is a personal favorite): Pardoned George Steinbrenner for illegal contributions to Richard Nixon’s Presidential campaign.

Bill Clinton: Pardoned Patty Hearst; pardoned Henry Cisneros, who pled guilty to the Feds for lying (Are you listening, Marion? Precedence…); pardoned Roger Clinton, Jr., convicted of cocaine possession (again, Marion — a drug case, another precedent); overturned conviction of Henry O. Flipper, the first Black West Point graduate, on charges of conduct unbefitting an officer.

Bush I: Pardoned Elliot Abrams and Robert C. McFarlane for Iran-Contra; pardoned Armand Hammer, CEO of Occidental Petroleum Company for illegal contributions to the Nixon campaign.

Bush II: Commuted prison sentence of I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby.

See, W., you’ve already got a little practice. And, after all, the double-talking Democrat-controlled House has refused to hear Dennis Kucinich’s impeachment proceedings against you for all of your illegal bullshit, effectively granting you a de facto ‘pardon’.

So, Georgie Porgy, why don’t you ease up a little, give Ms. Jones the same benefit of the doubt you’re getting, and show a sister other than Conde some love, why don’t you?

So, go git dat pardon, girl, and once you do, run, Marion, run — as fast as your black ass can fo’ dey change dey minds…