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NFL Announces New Benefits Plan
by David Pear
In a bold move, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announces another new Plan to end all plans to benefit retired football players.
In a press conference held in New York earlier today, Roger Goodell, declared, “We’ve always had so much undeserved criticism for each of our past efforts to assist retired players. So today, we decided to announce the development of a totally new benefits plan with a completely new approach to providing assistance directly to each and every player who has never qualified for benefits in the past. And to make it even more significant, we’ve decided to name this plan the NFL ZERO Fund after retired player, Jim Zero. While many of you may have never heard of Zero, like most players, he played in the League for over 10 years with little recognition among his teammates and the fans. And, like so many of his retired brethren, Zero somehow never managed to qualify for any pensions or benefits for one reason or another. So for that, I am proud to stand here before you today to announce that we’re naming this new plan, The ZERO Fund!”
“As a matter of fact, we’re so excited about this new program that we’re considering the ZERO Plan as a replacement for that Greater Good Fund we offered as part of the NFL Films Settlement. Now – as always – we’re still working out the details of how the new Plan will actually work and who will qualify for it. But if you’re like Jim Zero then I can assure you that you will qualify for it. All you need to qualify is to have played for the NFL in the past 50 years and you will definitely qualify for ZERO! In keeping with tradition, we are also hereby retiring Jim Zero’s number and jersey.”
And also in keeping with their other tradition of lining up sponsors to pay for most of their grand programs, the NFL announced that they have just signed a deal with Coke Zero as the soft drink of choice for the NFL ZERO Fund.
Not to be outdone by the NFL, NFLPA Executive Director DeMaurice Smith also announced another new golf tournament to benefit retired players: The Gene Upshaw Mini-Golf Tournament. At the press conference held in Washington DC today, Smith declared, “We’ve ignored retired players for too long and what better way to honor and help them than to create one more golf tournament in a faraway place that none of them can get to?” The Gene Upshaw Mini-Golf Tournament will be held in the Caymen Islands and all donations will be held there along with all their other hidden assets under management on behalf of retired players.