CAROLINA CRISIS: THIS IS BIGGER THAN YOU By Michael...
The Pigskin Plantation Top 25
So since these muthafuckas act like gangstas, let’s break it down like Tony Montana:
“First, you gotta getta da money…
Well, out of 120 schools, I found a salary swing of head coaches salaries that went from the low six figures to mid – seven figures. Of this bunch, 71 head coaches make a salary of one million dollars or more per season…
“You getta da money, then you getta da power…
When you’re movin’ that pigskin product, depending on what part of the country you’re at, this little piggy sells like crack cocaine. And the Southeastern Conference may as well be The Carter; one place to make it, one place to distribute, one place to sell it…somewhere Nino Brown is smiling;
Those who move it best get rewarded the most. Out of the top 10 contracts, five belong to head coaches in the SEC.
Now before we get to the last part in this little gangster axiom, let’s show you the money…
The salaries listed to my knowledge do not include things such as marketing or promotional deals, bonus clauses, radio or cable shows or other perks separate and distinct from what is in their original base contracts (salary figures courtesy of www.coacheshotseat.com ).
Mack Brown, TEXAS, $5.2 million.
Nick Satan, er, Saban, Alabama, $4.725 million (don’t go screaming about pimps when you’re tappin’ the traps as they come off the stroll; game recognizes game, asshole!)
3. Bob Stoops, Oklahoma, $4.6 million.
4. Les Miles, Louisiana State, $3.9 million.
5. Kirk Ferentz, Iowa, $3.8 million.
6. Bobby Petrino, Arkansas, $3.7 million.
7. Lane Kiffin, USC, $3.6 million.
8. Mark Richt, Georgia, $3.5 million.
9. Gene Chizik, Auburn, $3.5 million (still waitin’ on Danny Sheridan’s lame ass – the Pad & BASN were way ahead of the game in asking how much Auburn might have paid Cam Newton if Miss. State couldn’t get him!)
10. Gary Patterson, Texas Christian, $3 million.
Will Muschamp, Florida, $3 million.
12. Chip Kelly, Oregon, $2.9 million (very fucked up that you didn’t have LeGarrett Blount’s back; you know that punk – ass BYRON HOUT called Blount Nigger after the Boise State game!)
Brian Kelly, Notre Dame, $2.85 million (Kelly dropped Cincinnati like a case of the clap; right before the Bearcats’ bowl game. All you need is love…)
Bo Pelini, Nebraska, $2.8 million.
15. Jeff Tedford, California, $2.8 million.
Steve Spurrier, South Carolina, $2.8 million.
17. Gary Pinkel, Missouri, $2.75 million.
18. Houston Nutt, Mississippi, $2.75 million.
19. Paul Johnson, Georgia, $2.6 million.
20. Dan Mullen, Mississippi State, $2.5 million.
21. Frank Beamer, Virginia Tech, $2.5 million.
22. Greg Schiano, Rutgers, $2.4 million.
23. Jim Grobe, Wake Forest, $2.4 million;
24. Steve Sarkisian, Washington, $2.3 million.
25. Mike Sherman, Texas A&M, $2.25 million;
Randy Edsall, Maryland, $2.2 million.
27. June Jones, Southern Methodist, $2.15 million;
Turner Gill, Kansas, $2 million.
Brady Hoke, Michigan, $2 million.
30. Mike Gundy, Oklahoma State, $2 million.
31. Bill Synder, Kansas State, $1.95 million.
32. Mark Dantonio, Michigan State, $1.9 million.
33. Skip Holtz, Univ. South Florida, $1.85 million;
34. Jimbo Fisher, Florida State, $1.8 million.
35. Derek Dooley, Tennessee, $1.8 million.
36. Mike London, Virginia, $1.8 million.
37. Dabo Swinney, Clemson, $1.75 million.
38. Joker Phillips, Kentucky, $1.75 million.
39. Todd Graham, Pittsburgh, $1.75 million.
40. Dennis Erickson, Arizona State, $1.7 million.
41. David Cutcliffe, Duke, $1.65 million.
42. Tommy Tuberville, Texas Tech, $1.65 million.
43. Bret Bielema, Wisconsin, $1.6 million.
44. Paul Pasqualoni, Connecticut, $1.6 million.
45. Charlie Strong, Louisville, $1.6 million.
46. Ron Zook, Illinois, $1.6 million.
47. Luke Fickell, Ohio State, $1.5 million.
48. Joe Paterno, Penn State, $1.5 million;
49. Mike Riley, Oregon State, $1.5 million.
50. Chris Peterson (you know BYRON HOUT called Blount a Nigger; makes you just as punk – ass for covering it up), Boise State, $1.5 million.
51. Al Golden, Miami, $1.5 million.
52. Jerry Kill, Minnesota, $1.5 million.
53. George O’Leary, Univ. Central Florida, $1.4 million;
54. Butch Jones, Cincinnati, $1.4 million.
Dana Holgorsen, West Virginia, $1.4 million.
56. Rick Neuheisel, UCLA, $1.35 million.
57. Art Briles, Baylor, $1.3 million.
58. Tom O’Brien, North Carolina State $1.3 million;
59. Kyle Whittingham, Utah, $1.3 million.
60. Mike Stoops, Arizona, $1.25 million.
61. Pat Hill, Fresno State, $1.25 million;
62. Doug Marrone, Syracuse, $1.2 million.
63. Kevin Sumlin, Houston, $1.2 million.
64. Greg McMackin, Hawaii, $1.15 million.
65. Paul Rhoads, Iowa State, $1.15 million.
66. Jon Embree, Colorado, $1.12 million.
67. Ken Niumatolo, Navy, $1.115 million.
68. Frank Spaziani, Boston College, $1.1 million;
69. Kevin Wilson, Indiana, $1.1 million.
70. David Shaw, Stanford, $1.1 million.
71. Ruffin McNeil, East Carolina, $1 million.
Yet you can’t break off a l’il sum – sum to the hired help? Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiittttt…
And now the Pad’s Pigskin Plantation Top 25 – featuring the tops in indentured servitude…and those who oversee them:
LOUISIANA SLAVE UNIVERSITY
Oklahoma $oonerNotLater Plantation
Alabama Bucks Are Loo$a Plantation
Boise Slave University
Oklahoma Slave University
6. Stanford Indentured$ports$ervants.com
Wiscon$in Welfare Cheese Plantation
Nebraska Corn Hu$tler Plantation
Oregon’$ FucADuc Plantation
$outh Carolina’s Maimed Cocks Plantation
Virginia Tech Gobbler Farm & Plantation
Florida Gator Farm & Plantation
Clemson Tiger (this cage right here, Nigga?) Plantation
14. Texas A & M $aggies (One Ball Hang Lo) Plantation
Baylor’$ Bare Plantation (Nekkid as a jaybird…)
16. $outh Florida Gold & Bull Plantation
17. Texa$ Longhorn Plantation
Arkansa$’ Bacon Bitch Plantation
19. Michigan Dazed & $crewed Plantation (just ask the Fab Five)
20. Texas Christian Hornswoggle Plantation
21. Georgia Tech Yellow Jack Off Plantation
West Virginia Out In Years (or least until no longer eligible) Plantation;
Florida Slave University
Illinoi$’ Champagne Plantation
25. Arizona Slave University
Others garnering consideration: (Michigan Slave University, Hou$ton, Auburn Whore Eagles, Iowa Slave University, THE Ohio Slave University, Kansas Slave University, Utah Ute$, Penn Slave University, Georgia Slave Dawgs, Washington’s Duskies, Tennessee All In Tears, Notre Game (FUCK NOTRE DAME! FUCK TOUCHDOWN JESUS! AND FUCK JESUS! (the last one courtesy of that dumb – ass Dana Jacobson at The Muthafuckin’ Mouse- ESPN); Univ. of Slave In California, Mi$$ouri (Ho me the money!) & Mississippi Slave University).
Now before anyone gets pissed; don’t get it twisted. Because until you pay the people who actually do the work, you got to call this song exactly what it is; and the names will remain the same throughout the season.
Scarface didn’t have to pimp to know anything goes when it comes to hos ’cause pimpin’ ain’t easy!
Always outnumbered…never outgunned.