Imitation & Life, Volume XII

By Michael Louis Ingram BASN Staff Writer
Updated: April 14, 2011

Andre Agassi and wife Steffi Graf

Andre Agassi and wife Steffi Graf

PHILADELPHIA (BASN): Time once again for another humanoid/celluloid adventure…

The Liberation of B.L. Bonds

After seven years, 21 original indictments and over $1.68 million dollars of taxpayer money, the government found home run king and future Hall of Famer (no matter what the fuck anyone in baseball thinks!) Barry Lamar Bonds was finally found guilty – for obstruction of justice, a charge that would carry a maximum sentence of 10 years in prison.

A jury decided that after days of deliberation, the only real evidence that Bonds could have knowingly took steroids – was sittin’ in the joint refusing to testify.

“White people sell guns, that’s all right; Black rapper says, “Guns,” congressional hearing!”

Greg Anderson’s steadfastness to omerta proved to be the government’s undoing; but why would one want to help the government after constant harassment of family and loved ones?

“The government doesn’t give a fuck about your safety. They sell guns at WalMart, they don’t give a fuck about you!”

But there was a reason why Uncle Sam went after Bonds full bore when Roger Clemens’ DNA and syringes; along with Rafael Palmeiro’s finger – sticking good “misremembering “under oath about taking steroids stays under the radar…

“They keep trying to scare us. They keep telling us to be on the lookout for Al-Qaeda. I ain’t scared of Al-Qaeda! I’m from Brooklyn… I don’t give a fuck about Al-Qaeda! Motherfuck Al-Qaeda. Did Al-Qaeda blow up the building in Oklahoma? NO! Did Al-Qaeda put anthrax in your mail? NO! Did Al-Qaeda drag James Byrd onto the street till his eyes popped out of his fuckin’ head? NO! I ain’t scared of Al-Qaeda! I’m scared of Al-Cracka!”

(Excerpts from Chris Rock’s “Never Scared.”)

In Tennis “Love” – Means Nothing!

Andre Agassi was always an asshole; but his latest “look-at-me” effort in the media fishbowl smells more like an overflowing septic tank.

At a charity event, Agassi offered up as a “bonus” for a higher bid on an item a nude picture of his wife, Steffi Graf.

Now while Forrest Hump might say, “freaky is as freaky does,” how could you put your partner out on Front Street like that?

It wasn’t so long ago that Graf was the target of scandals involving alleged tax evasion, which would eventually put her father in jail and affect her play.

But this sex twist on Agassi’s part is really fucked up when you consider around that same time Graf was targeted as a foil for ridicule when the German punk band Die Angefahren Schulkinder (translation – “School Kids run over by a Bus.”) recorded the song, “I Wanna Fuck Steffi Graf.”

Graf, who was going through some unnecessary drama at the time because of tax issues reportedly stemming from her father Peter’s handling of her funds, was also affected by the stabbing of Monica Seles by a nut job named Gunter Parche, who was obsessed with Graf and saw Seles as a threat to Graf’s then #1 world ranking.

Knowing even more details as he steps to her as a husband should’ve made Agassi back the fuck up on even thinking, much less showing anyone anything as intimate as a nude of his wife.

But what do you expect from a punk – ass, wig – wearing scumbag who wanted you to believe that “image is everything?”

I got your ‘image’ right here:

“If I pull the arrow out, will you p-please s-suck out the poison?”

{Let me get this straight. You pull it out, I suck. Is there any money in it for me?}

(Dan Ackroyd to Chevy Chase in “Caddyshack II.”)

Hoss Thieves

The Muthfuckin’ Mouse revels in creating fake history – like Minny Timberwolf forward Mike Love’s double – double (points/rebounds) ‘streak.’

Never mind that Love is over 200 away from the real streak set by Wilt Chamberlin, ESPIN just couldn’t allow for Love to be a decent player who was getting better; they had to poison his efforts with the deify – the – white – player hype.

Love’s efforts didn’t make the team better; it just made him more noticeable.

Well a perfect example of that same premise developed after The Mouse cranked out another one of their crockumentaries, “Pony Excess,” – how Southern Methodist University developed one of the best college football programs money could buy – and how damn proud they were of it!

“You’ll do much better on the other side of the border. There you can steal cattle hold up trains; all you have to face is sheriff, marshal. Once I rob a bank in Texas – your government get after me with a whole army… whole army! One little bank. Is clear the meaning: in Texas, only Texans can rob banks – ha ha ha!”

(Eli Wallach in “The Magnificent Seven.”)

Players got paid – and I loved it; however when a former player like Craig James waxes fondly about the corruption with a shit – eatin’ grin, how can he or any other former player admit and commit to the reality that the indentured servitude and subsequent sharecropping done on the 100 – yard plantations needs to stop.

Moreover, what credibility can James now claim when he or any Saturday afternoon asshole screams about morality and the student – athletes between football scores?

When you look at the high crime committed as we speak in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championships and the $10 billion – dollar television contract has the Pimp Cartel mainlining Benjamins – who the fuck needs Cristal, anyway?

The monies earned by schools like USC and Michigan stay in the bank while Reggie Bush, A.J. Green, Chris Webber and the Ohio State 5 get co – opted by the schools that hosed them down. Bush was so fucked up in the head that he gives up the Heisman Award he earned – on the field.

Where was James to speak up for Bush? Or Chris Webber, whose #4 basketball jersey is still selling over 20 years after he played at Michigan?

Young Black men and all student athletes are being robbed blind by the NCAA, but the Fab Five and the UNLV Runnin’ Rebels teams of Jerry Tarkanian were perceived as gangsters?

Meanwhile, as the University of Connecticut had its championship moment at the college basketball final, Pimp Cartel Leader Mark Emmert appears (sans pimp cane and chalice) to offer his ten seconds of praise after weeks of bullshit and propaganda.

The shit – eatin’ grin of Emmert belied the “Disney World written all over his face…

“This time next week, I’ll be sucking down piña coladas in a hot tub with six girls named Amber and Tiffany….”

Well if your punk ass keeps thinkin’ this indentured servitude bullshit will continue forever, think about what could also happen to you…

“More like taking a shower with two guys named Jamal and Jesus, if you know what I mean. And here’s the bad news: that thing you’re sucking on? It’s not a piña colada!”

(Dialogue between Clive Owen & Denzel Washington in “Inside Man.”)

To be continued…

michaelingram@blackathlete.com