Imitation and Life: Volume XI

By Michael Louis-Ingram, BASN Associate Editor
Updated: January 2, 2011

PHILADELPHIA (BASN) — It has been a while since we’ve done one of these, so quickly the premise is we look at real life events through the celluloid prism.

It is truly amazing the things which can be deciphered between sips of a Blueberry Tea (two parts Grand Marnier, one part Amaretto, hot tea, cinnamon stick and orange slices for garnish in a brandy snifter)…

Law on Order, Part I

Two recent trials punctuated the price of justice; and who pays for it. In California Andrew Gallo, the drunk driver who killed Los Angeles Angels pitcher Nick Adenhart and two others on April 9, 2009 was sentenced to 51 years in prison for his crime.

According to reports, the 24 year old Gallo was out on parole for a previous driving under-the-influence charge; and was almost three times over the legal limit in his blood alcohol test.

Meanwhile, in Florida, former major leaguer and ex-New York Yankee Jim Leyritz was sentenced to one year’s probation in the vehicular death of a 30 year old woman in 2007. The 47-year-old Leyritz, at the time of the accident was also over the legal blood alcohol limit.

In spite of the fact Leyritz had at least two other alcohol-related incidents since the death, he got off. First, with getting the initial charge reduced from vehicular manslaughter to a misdemeanor (DUI). The verdict from a charge which could’ve carried a 15 year death sentence was a cruel joke.

While my heart goes out to the families of the deceased, something is very wrong when that big a swing in prosecution exists; and the bitch holding those scales stays blind to meting out equal justice under the law.

The law – nothing is right or wrong! It’s either the law or it’s not the law. Well, we got a problem here, because it’s not working anymore….

(Michael Douglas, “The Star Chamber.”)

Law on Order, Part II

Former New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress has been sitting in a New York jail since August of 2009, a political prisoner convicted guilty of felony stupidity (he shot himself in the leg) but innocent of harming anyone other than himself.

“Monseuir, I know you must hear this a great deal; I assure you I am innocent. Everyone must say that, I know, but I truly am.”

“{Innocent?} Yes.”

But as Burress did his time, the ballots dropped in for a pitiful little man who screamed fire and brimstone about the risk to the general public over a 6-foot-6 brother man whose Black ass is chillin’ in a 6-by-6 cell.

“There are 72,519 stones in my walls; I’ve counted them many times.”

“{But have you named them yet?}”

Millions and millions of dollars later, Michael Bloomberg completed his coup of rewritten rules and becomes Mayor of Gotham City

You don’t need Jack Nicholson to ask where the fuck The Batman is because my mon Bats was out trying to catch up to Bloomberg’s friend, Bernie Madoff; who apparently stole more money than the gross national products of several Caribbean countries.

Even the Justice League couldn’t penetrate Madoff’s penthouse lair while Bloomberg fiddled – and Plaxico burned.

Ultimately, Madoff did get sent to jail after Bloomberg’s coronation, er, re-election (no pass go or collect $200 million since he had stolen so much more).

But now his son’s life is forfeit. Two years after the senior Madoff’s arrest, his son Mark, hangs himself in an apparent suicide. On the speculative premise someone may bust a cap in his ass (yes he stole that much money!) Madoff pere decided he would not attend the funeral.

Meanwhile, Burress has been denied a work release – and will likely be subject to two years probation after completion of his sentence.

Because he didn’t have the good sense to hit his femoral artery with the gunshot and bleed to death in an election year, Plaxico Burress ended up on the wrong side of the political pendulum…

“{I know. I really do know.}”

“You mock me?”

“{No, my dear Dantes – I know perfectly well that you are innocent. Why else would you be here? If you were truly guilty, there are a hundred prisons in France where they would lock you away. But Chateau d’If is where they put the ones they’re ashamed of.}”

After basking in the glow of stardom, Plaxico must become EveryBlackman under the microscope – in a world of Invisible Men

“Life is a storm, my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout as you did in Rome. Do your worst, for I will do mine! Then the fates will know you as we know you: as Albert Mondego, the man!”

(Dialogue between James Caviezel, Richard Harris and Michael Wincott in “The Count of Monte Cristo“)

Indecent Proposal

As the sun goes down on Brett Favre‘s football career, what may finally push his grizzled ass out the door could be his attempts to have someone go down on him…

In 2008, while quarterback of the New York Jets, Favre (probably between Wrangler jeans commercials), spotted a nubile maiden working in the front office…

“Damn girl – I like you already!”

In spite of his married status, Favre apparently inquired about Ms. Jenn Sterger through a team underling, Aaron Degerness, to get those digits.

After a ‘thank you but no thank you’, a further effort to curry favor from Sterger, Favre (no doubt after extensive “film study” sessions) allegedly sent some visual aids to Ms. Sterger via cell phone to encourage a response…

“Let’s put it this way… maybe I’ll sleep with you if you’re the last man on earth.

But we’re not on earth.”

After being spurned, Favre’s pass at Sterger, like his last pass as a Jet, fell into the hands of the opposition; or so we thought.

Two years later, word leaks out that Favre’s penis was allegedly on display as an “incentive” to spark Sterger’s interest…

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Well, you would think it’d mean the National Football League was gonna put their foot up Favre’s ass – but that wasn’t gonna happen. Commissioner Roger Goodell, quick to conduct his own investigation on Michael Vick and Adam Jones, reacted to the information as if he was on the Favre phone picture as well.

As Favre’s iron man streak was making headlines, the line on Favre getting head from Sterger (or anyone else who wasn’t his wife) was even money on “OH, HELLLL NOO!”

But that didn’t stop the show. The bullshit that would be the Favre Legacy was trumpeted nightly – and where the fuck was the National Organization for Women to scream about never buying another pair of Wrangler Jeans because of what a pig Favre was?

So the word comes down that Favre will be fined a mere $50K for what seems to come down to indecent exposure. After all the noise about morality and family values and role models, Goodell’s gesticulating amounts to nothing more than a Hungry Man serving of bullshit; with some microwavable hypocrisy for dessert.

The Muthafuckin’ Mouse (ESPN) went out its way to illustrate how toothless the fine was by showing graphics which revealed Favre’s $50K fine amount to a little over 3 minutes of playing time from his game check.

So Michael Vick is grilled and is sent to federal prison. Adam Jones “makes it rain” and is ridiculed as being bereft of morals and common sense; James Harrison is treated as if he were a serial killer with the continuous effort by the NFL to punish him – for doing his job as a Pittsburgh Steeler defender too well.

But Ben Roethlispervert can get away with sexual battery against women (twice in one year) and walk out of the Park Avenue offices of the NFL with a shit-eatin’ grin on his face – and no one in the mainstream media says a fuckin’ thing.

So when Goodell said he was fining Favre for not being forthcoming about what happened, that was his Plan A…

{“Plan A is fucked up! You got a Plan B?”}

“Yeah, it’s the same as Plan A. You got any fresh ideas?”

Ms. Sterger’s reaction to the commissioner’s ruling was swift…

“Shit!”

Her father, Leo, was equally disturbed by the lack of action on the part of the NFL to clean their bullshit up. With the knowledge of the allegation unwelcome genitalia photos from Favre were sent to his daughter, he told the New York Daily News he was “absolutely furious” that Favre got over like a fat rat on his baby girl after Favre declined to cooperate with the league’s two-month investigation into the matter.

“”I better not meet that guy down a dark alley,” said the elder Sterger. “Their decision is a complete travesty to women and they are just treating him this way because he is the NFL’s golden boy.”"

Shit, it sounds like Leo needs to be working for the league instead having to contemplate further legal action against it!

With another year in the books and still here to write about it, let me thank all the readers, friends and extended family. May the coming year be good to you and good for you.

To all the haters, ignorant folks, bullies and cowards who take issue with what we do, all I have to say is…

“COME ON YOU MINDLESS MUTHAFUCKAS!”

(Dialogue between Jason Statham, Duane Davis, Ice Cube and Natasha Henstridge in “John Carpenter‘s Ghosts of Mars.”)

To be continued…