Imitation and Life: Volume X

By Michael-Louis Ingram, BASN Staff Reporter
Updated: March 14, 2010

“Where have you been? I’ve beamed and beamed! Sorry, Miss – I was giving myself an Oil Job!”

— Robby the Robot to Anne Francis – in “Forbidden Planet.”.

PHILADELPHIA (BASN) — It has been a while since we peeked through the celluloid prism; but so much has happened since then that it warrants our having another Blockbuster moment or two…

Image Is Everything…

Former tennis star Andre Agassi, in a new autobiography, “Open,” reveals that he took crystal meth during his playing career – and tested dirty for it.

Somehow, that little bit of information never came out, because the Association of Tennis Professionals allowed his bullshit excuse for being high to skate; and Agassi was never suspended or fined.

Then the little chatterbox goes on to imply he tanked tennis matches (deliberately or no, it doesn’t matter) and that he wore a wig when his golden tresses were bouncing across court.

While reaction from wife and former tennis great Steffi Graf to this day has yet to be revealed, there just may be a reason why that tree falling in the forest with no one around – hasn’t made a sound;

“You’re a liar! You’re a filthy, fucking, no-good liar. You don’t have the guts to tell me the truth. Just say it! {I’m not lying} Tell me!”

Reaction by the mainstream media has been equally interesting. The Mouse and 60 Minutes have handled Agassi with kid gloves; no rush to judgment as with Alex Rodriguez or Manny Ramirez; or no accusations of selling his soul for a buck as Jose Canseco was accused of when he wrote “Juiced” – which had more truth emanating from its pages than anything MLB commissioner Brat Selig and any baseball beat writer in the last 30 years could ever concoct.

Former tennis champs Martina Navratilova & Marat Safin were righteously disgusted when they heard of Agassi’s revelations.

Safin was especially critical, saying Agassi should forfeit all his winnings because of his previous statements about tanking and drug use…

But it doesn’t stop there; Agassi goes on to say he hated tennis! Now this coming from the mouth of Nick Bolliteri’s prize pupil; hmmm…you think somewhere Richard Williams is smiling? No shit!

I’ll take two well-adjusted Sista Gals over one overrated jackass who doesn’t have the balls to wear his own hair any day…

“You couldn’t buy her, though, that’s what’s killing you, isn’t it? That’s it – Stef – she thinks you’re shit.

And deep down, you know she’s right.”

(Dialogue between Molly Ringwald, Andrew McCarthy & James Spader – in “Pretty in Pink”).

Your “Slip” Is Showing…

On January 18, morning drive time radio personality Mike Greenberg gave his listeners a wakeup call more effective than a double espresso (lemon peel optional) and Jolt cola breakfast:

“Mike & Mike in the morning on ESPN Radio talkin’ football with you on this Martin Luther Coon, er King Jr.

holiday -”

Preposterous, you say? Don’t believe me? Hey – listen for yourself: markgray/espn-reporter-calls- mlk-martin-luther-coon/

So the World Wide leader in Bullshit strikes again; with another slap in the face to Black folks. Greenberg would later explain what he said and why he said it:

“I just came home from the Knicks game and found out about the mess that was created by my garbling a sentence on our show this morning; I apologize for not addressing it sooner.

And I’m sorry that my talking too fast – and slurring my words – might have given people who don’t know our show the wrong impression about us, and about me.

I feel horrible about that, because nothing could be further away from who I am and what our show is about.

I would never say anything like that, not in public, or in private, or in the silence of my own mind, and neither would anyone associated with our show, and I’m very sorry that my stumble this morning gave so many people the opposite impression.”

My take on this: Where is your level of contrition, muthafucka? The same level asked for by scumbags like you when Black athletes make mistakes and pay for their mistakes?

That statement was about as sincere as attempting suicide – by jumping out of a basement window!

I’m sorry – not enough bowing and scraping, bitch.

Don’t tell me you would ever say anything like in public or private – because you just did!

Garbling “coo” and “kih” doesn’t even remotely sound similar…but any lie in a storm once you start to feel the heat from those lightning bolts…

“Why you keep calling me Jésus? I look Puerto Rican to you?

{Guy back there called you Jésus.} He didn’t say Jésus. He said, “Hey, Zeus!” My name is Zeus.

{Zeus?} Yeah, Zeus! As in, father of Apollo; Mount Olympus? Don’t fuck with me or I’ll shove a lightning bolt up your ass? ZEUS! You got a problem with that?

{No, I don’t have a problem with that.}”

(Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson in “Die Hard – With A Vengeance.”)

Well I have a problem with you being on the air, you spirochete; especially after another worthless media fart named Tony Kornheiser got a two week suspension from ESPN – for dissing fellow reporter Hannah Storm’s outfit.

According to several accounts, Kornheiser started ragging on Storm on a radio show in February: “She’s got on red go-go boots and a Catholic plaid skirt – way too short for somebody in her 40s or 50s by now.

“She’s got on her typically very, very tight shirt. She looks like she has sausage casing wrapping around her upper body …

I know she’s very good, and I’m not supposed to be critical of ESPN people, so I won’t … but Hannah Storm … come on now! Stop! What are you doing?”

Kornheiser, a former Washington Post columnist and analyst for Monday Night Football, then made a reference to the novel Catcher in the Rye when he said: “She’s what I would call a Holden Caulfield fantasy at this point.”

So, two weeks suspension for some horny, arrogant asshole questioning one’s fashion sense, but no time for calling a respected civil rights leader a coon?

And you dumb-ass muthafuckin’ Black athletes – and some media – continue to indulge The Mouse; and the Rats who work for them…what the fuck is wrong with you???

You’re either a resented plantation field hand, or in the minds of some who want a certain kind of access, seen as.

“Yummy little monkeys.” (Sarah Ann Morris in “The Replacements.”)

How many more of you putting yourselves in vulnerable positions will it take before the double standard knocks you upside the head – and you realize these scumbags mean you nothing but harm?

“I’d rather be a cockroach on a baseboard up here {in Harlem} than the Emperor of Mississippi.”

(Daryl Edwards in “Brother From Another Planet.”)

Pavane for the Dead Princesses

The XXI Winter Olympic Games are concluded; and the Paralympics are about to commence in Vancouver, Canada. On the heels of an explosion of Canadian pride and the greatest hockey game I have ever seen (Men’s final vs. USA) the image I am left with after the cheering has stopped are the women who died long before someone gave a fuck about them.

I am speaking, of course about the victims of serial killer Robert Pickton, responsible for murders of at least 27 women and, according to statements made by him in prison, committed 49 such acts.

The city has changed much since my last time there. Still beautiful, but still cursed ground in my opinion because of happened before. Prior to the Games officially opening, a luger from Georgia, Nodar Kumaritashvili, was killed when his sled lost control – and he hit a pole at 90 mph.

While there, I was berated by some for what I had written about this Olympics being built on the blood of these women; and one particular punk-ass thought he would get me fired from my job:

On Fri, Feb 12, 2010 at 10:51 AM, Jeremy Hainsworth < > wrote:


Ingram: I reported on Robert Pickton’s preliminary hearing (to you a grand jury hearing — neither of which is reportable by statutory ban on pain of criminal penalty) and subsequent trial. I have cried with the family members of the slaughtered women and broke down when that monster was convicted.

Please, please get your facts straight and respect the Canadian judicial process so that some justice might come to these women and their families.

This has been a totally horrendous experience for a lot of people and glib reporting about it is, in my opinion, unacceptable. Sincerely

Jeremy Hainsworth

———- Forwarded message ———- From: Michael Louis Ingram < michaelingram@blackathlete.

com > Date: Fri, Feb 12, 2010 at 2:02 PM Subject: Re: Pickton To: Jeremy Hainsworth < >

My reply:



Getting one’s facts straight is a good idea; I suggest you do the same.

When Gary Locke played co-conspirator with the BC and Canadian governments, it was taken out of Canadian hands, because it was no longer a strictly Canadian issue. Not that it would matter to you, but the Green River Killer being in Washington State should have given pause to the former governor to think twice about putting human lives in jeopardy in such a callous manner.

Like you, I feel empathy and anger for someone like this animal Pickton to do what he did; so please show reciprocal respect for the American public’s right to know – and save your holier-than-thou BS for a column.

I love Canada, and I lived here as a law-abiding citizen. Can you fucking read?

I’m not going to have someone piss on me and tell me it’s raining!

Serial killers are not to play with – on any side of any border; and all human lives are precious.

What a pompous prick – to think any human being would be glib – about murder…

{They kill…} The sick, the abandoned; those who will not be missed.

{More than that.} They kill to survive. They kill to protect.

{Family?} Man kills for less. But in the end, it is all for the hunting ground…

And that “hunting ground” brought gold for some – but was merely the foundation for future and further razing of what some First Nations people say is stolen land.

Once the afterglow of winning is gone, some Canadians may have a different view if that animal Pickton remains in the news…

“You’ve seen them, haven’t you? You don’t have the eyes of the Hunter. You have the eyes of the dead.”

(Dialogue between Albert Finney, Dehl Berti & Edward James Olmos in “Wolfen.”)

And as for that other asshole; carry your White Man’s Burden somewhere else.

“I know all about your big laig daughter – and yo’ faggot son!”

(Ron O’Neal to Mike Richards in “Super Fly.”)

Ladies First

The good news in women’s sports is the performance of the University of Connecticut basketball team. On the heels of a 72-game win streak (at the time of this writing), the Lady Huskies are the belles of B-Ball.

According to the Worldwide Leader in Bullshit, the bad news in women’s sports – is the Lady Huskies – for the same reason.

Criticism about whether such a streak would be bad for the men’s game would never be uttered. When UCLA won 88 games in a row, they were hailed as one of the greatest teams of all time; but now that a women’s team endeavors to be the best they can be, something about the feat must be devalued; because white men can’t handle the premise of anyone other than themselves being superior in anything…

“Just remember; you can’t win a pissing contest with a prick…”

A similar attitude was presented north of the border during the Olympics. The Canadian women’s hockey team was the scourge of the tournament; laying waste to all opposition via an astounding 46 to 2 goals for/against ratio in their wins to the gold medal game against their arch enemies, the U.S. women’s team.

The scorched- ice effort of the Canadian women included 18-1 and 13-1 ass whippings; and it was delicious to watch.

While the U.S. women held Team Canada to two goals in another awesome final, the Canadians won fair and square.

Canadian captain Hayley Wickenheiser revealed how the team would often scrimmage against midget boys’ hockey teams to fine-tune their game; and therein lay the problem.

Because of their foresight in desiring to be the best, IOC chair Jacques Rogge, in his infinite arrogance, implied maybe women’s hockey shouldn’t be an Olympic sport; in effect punishing the Canadian women for being ahead of the training curve…

“You know what you are? You’re a laughing stock – the joke of Chicago!” So the piling on never stops; a men’s team is excellent, it’s a dynasty. If a women’s team is excellent, they’re a disturbance…

“They say we’re a laughing stock; {What?} The Joke of Chicago {No!} Don’t get mad – get even!” Meanwhile, back in the States, the clock is ticking toward the NCAA Women’s Basketball Tournament – and the vision of seeing an obviously annoyed Trey Wingo sitting with the very capable Kara Lawson and Carolyn Peck defeats the purpose of elevating the women’s game to lay audiences.


Deborah Strohman, a former student athlete and academic advisor at the University of North Carolina, verified this writer’s suspicions while appearing as a guest on the Blackathlete/blogtalkradio show, “The Batchelor Pad.”

“I actually witnessed this many years ago,” recalls Strohman. “Jay Bilas – we go way back. I played basketball in Virginia when I first met him and I was a coach at North Carolina while getting my Masters degree.

“I remember being at a Final Four when Bilas, who was part of the broadcast team, said, ‘I can’t wait to get off of this Women’s basketball assignment!’ Now this did not hit national news, but there are a lot of folks within women’s basketball that to this day will not speak to Bilas because of his attitude – that’s why you now have Wingo.”

As the grunting continues from the pig sty, it’s clear many Rats at the Mouse House (and beyond) still don’t wanna know what time it really is.

So when you peep at this year’s tournament, don’t be surprised if somewhere someone no, make that a lotta folks – are thinking…

“You owe me a new stop watch… you PUSSIES!”

(Swoosie Kurtz, Bruce McGill and Goldie Hawn in “Wildcats.”) To be continued…