Straight No Chaser: The Chosen Ones

By Desi Cortez, BASN Columnist
Updated: February 3, 2010

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DENVER (BASN) — Setting on the horizon, the retirment of what I consider a class act, Kurt Warner, the closest thing I’ve seen to Dante Marino – who’s the best Quarterback I’ve ever eyeballed play the game.

And yes, I offer that o-pine knowing Marino has no ring worth mentioning on his fingers other then his wedding band.

Joe “Hey is that John Candy sitting over there . . . ” Montana – the only guy you can even argue may have been better in this, the modern-era with Marino.

But Kurt Warner is one baaaad mother . . . shut ya’ mounth!

But I’m talking bout’ Kurt. His numbers, impecable and undistuably the statistical truth. If he’s not Hall Of Fame bound . . I say we burn the NFL’s most hallowed hall down . . . to the ground.

Da’ roof, da’ roof, da roof is on f-i-r-e! Warner’s stay in the Big Apple, as an Giant . . .

as critical in the immortality debate as the little apple in ours . . . . but everyman has to have a valley to climb up and out of, a place to gaze down upon from the peaks, in order to weigh n’ measure exactly what he has over-came and achieved.

The manner and style in which Warner came on the scene . . . ! C’mon man, talk about “The Natural” – Roy Hobbs, that’s who Kurt Warner really is.

Hell, Warner’s a choir boy, who was once sacking groceries somewhere in nowhere Iowa, the next thing I remember, I’m sitting in this Bed n’ Breakfast down in Colorado Springs, the Cheyene Mountain Inn, right behind the legendary Broadmoor – where I proposed to the ball n’ chain, and I’m watching Warner lay the foundation for what was to become a gridiron legend.

Kurt wore gold n’ blue, I had on a red hang-over which was unbelivable, too much Tequila and Champagne . . . I was mixing it in my wife’s navel . . . but that’s another sin-based story.

What I liked about Warner back then, he was a devotedly religious cat, that was the flip-side of his tall-tale. But he wasn’t trying to drown me, a practicing heathen like myself, – in the river of blind faith, as most card carrying Christian fanatics do . . . like Tim Tebow.

I don’t think sports fans grasp the potential volcanic explosion we’ve got on our hands.

This kid comes from a family of home schoolers . . . I’ve got a buddy marrired to a Seven Day adventist, her brothers kids are home schooled, they look like chocolate Pilgrim dolls, they live in a world that, thank god . . . does not exist.

The Tebows are missionaries for god sake! Ask the native people of this old New World about who and what came with the good book carriers. A bible in one hand, a bottle of firewater in the other, and a gun in his back pocket.

Paving the way for the land grabbing resource seeking settlers Granted Tebow does not pack a cannon, let-alone a gun . . . but he’s apart of, apparently a important tool for – the evangelist industry.

The hopes and wishes of a large slice of this country – good, decent god-fearing religious lunatics are invested in this kid. And, a great deal of that investment is almost entirely because he is a religious fanatic . . . who wears it on his eye-lids.

Just as Focus on the Family identified Tebow as “the chosen one” the one to carry the water during the Super Bowl, the rest of the Bible thumpin’ Moral Minority congregation within this nation – will realize they too can “use” Tebow.

Tebow will become a trojan horse for conservative activist who want to get their point across by wrapping it in a red, white n’ blue bible. He’s a Steve Largent in the making, and that may be both as a reciever and a Republican senator.

And judging by this kids premature attachment to a religious extremist organization like Focus on the Family, which obviously has an political agenda to connect their anal, riged, reactionary tight-assed puritan doctrine with the Oval Office and congress – Tim Tebow is more-than-willing to allow himself to be “utilized”, put to work like a puppet for the Right Richt.

No, it’s not a typo -Tebow has hitched his horse, or rather donkey, Mary and Joesph rode into Bethelem on a donkey correct?

Anyway, Tebow is hitching his jackass to a cart Jerry Farwell, Pat Buchahnan and Pat Robertson built, attached is a cart which has GOP painted on the side.

Face it, he’s what Kurt Warner isn’t – a willing, wanting, believeing tool.

The question is; a tool for who? And for what ends? The far evanglistic Right? The Republican Party, the Conservative Establishment . . . Scary isn’t it? How long before he’s doing off-season fund-raising rallys with Sarah Palin, huggin’ Glen Beck and Rush . . . ?

Even in the dumb-downed NFL locker room, there are individuals who’ll have serious issues with this kid – I don’t give a damn how many of his college teammates, brothers, who think he’s Jesus Christ in pads, that wearing it on your jersey, on your face, on your . . . it will get redundant and over the top – quick.

Amplifying the matter; a great deal of the hoop-la is derived from who and what Tebow is – a Great White Hope, who must succeed. Can any other writer call this kid that – please?!

Great White Hope, Great White Hope, Great White Hope!! I’ve never heard so many White dudes trying to rationalize and defend a running QB . . . it’s truly amazing.

The USA Sports-nation is starved for a blond-haired, blue-eyed Alpha-male.

a all so rare mobile athlete to step to the forefront, demonstrate to the sports world – the Great White Hunter is still on the prowl . . . and this kid is that guy, or at least some believe him to be.

In far too many physical activities White athletes can no longer compete, forget dominate. So when an athlete like Tebow comes along . . . the sports racist start licking their dry lips, because they believe they’ve got that gladiator who can compete, again dominate the game . . .

And the sportsfans, who also are Rush fans, maybe recently-dunked Tea-Baggers, they get excited as hell . . . because all this racial stuff . . . matters to White folks.

Now the fact Tebow’s speaking in tongues, seeing dead people and talkin’ to the biggest guy, God, on a regular basis . . .

and God’s talking back to him . . . that endears Tebow to some, others, like myself, it scares . . the hell out of me to be honest.

If this kid were Black, if Tebow were of the darker persuasion and the virgin Mary was appearing on his ceiling every night, talking to him, makin luv to him, cementing this deeply personal relationship born twice Christians imagine they maintain with the father, son and holy ghost . . . the world would just call her a nigger lover and a rapist.

Aint that a bitch?

So, in the end, the sportsworld is losing a natural born class act in Kurt Warner, and the racist, sexist and elitist American establishment is gaining a Golden Boy they can pimp n’ exploit.