The Six Lies of Imitation

By Michael-Louis Ingram, BASN Staff Reporter
Updated: June 18, 2009

Sports PHILADELPHIA (BASN) — With apologies (sort of) to Rick Wakeman and Yes, we respond to the tales told while sailing along the topographic oceans of media and celluloid in search of booty…

“There are inmates and there are convicts. A convict has a certain code. And he knows to show a certain respect. An inmate, on the other hand, pulls the pin on his fellow man. Does the guards’ work for them; brings shame… to the game. So, which are you gonna be?

{Me? I’m just passin’ through…}”

— Yorick van Wageningen and Vin Diesel in “The Chronicles of Riddick.”.

Lie #1: The Kobe Bryant “Legacy.”

The Los Angeles Lakers are once again champions of the pro basketball world.

For the 15th time, the Lakers wear the crown. Coach Phil Jackson goes to head of the class by winning his all – time best 10th ring as a coach, and Bryant is a most deserving Most Valuable Player…

“And so it was done. Joseph the Betrayer was cast out!

And He Who Walks Behind The Rows did say, “I will send outlanders amongst you: a man and a woman. These outlanders will be unbelievers and profaners of the holy. But they will sorely test you, for they have great power, even greater than that of the Blue Man!

{The Blue Man…yes, the Blue Man!} And just as the Blue Man was offered up unto He Who Walks Behind the Rows, so shall be the unbelievers!

Make sacrifice unto Him! Bring Him the blood of the outlanders!

Praise God; praise the Lord! Praise God! Praise the Lord…!”

— Courtney Gains & John Franklin speaking to the faithful in “Children of the Corn.”.

In the post – game press conference, Bryant proclaimed that he now (paraphrasing) “didn’t have to hear all those ridiculous criticisms anymore.”

Earvin “Magic” Johnson would also follow up in the post – game analysis by saying how Bryant “proved all the Kobe Haters wrong.”

Well, Magic, you should’ve looked within the confines of your own “house” to say that instead of out to the Children of the Corn (Bread); because that bullshit started with your man Skip Clueless, er, Bayless stirring up the madness by screaming how Kobe Bryant would be branded a loser and how it would tarnish his “legacy” if he should lose to Orlando.

As if Kobe was playing against Orlando by himself.

The whole spin on this horseshit began and ended with the Extreme Scumbags who Pimp Negroes, because there was no legacy to lose!

Kobe Bryant was already a Hall of Fame player; and he didn’t need this championship to cement anything. All that undue pressure was self inflicted and self – conflicted due to immaturity on Bryant’s part.

Losing to Orlando wouldn’t have changed a fucking thing about his greatness – except to the true Haters who had their negative copy ready to serve and secretly hoping Bryant and the Lakers failed.

I won’t front – I picked Orlando to win in six; and they did bitch up in crunch time; but for Bryant to admit to shouldering some immense (and unnecessary, in my humble opinion) burden shows just how much weight these ESPIN assholes throw around because they truly believe the moment is about them – and not the athletes who do it on the playing field.

But I won’t deny the brother his moment. Kobe has earned it, but there was nothing for him to prove. Hopefully he’ll think about that the next time the microphone muff divers and jock – sniffers come begging for scraps…

“Who’s going to believe a talking head? Get a job in a sideshow!”

— Jeffrey Combs in “Re-Animator.”

Lie #2: USC Basketball Coach Loses his “Enthusiasm”

If we are to believe Tim Floyd, the world of college basketball is a perpetual grind which sucks the life out of player and coach alike.

Floyd, who is now the former B-ball coach at USC, cited in his resignation letter an inability to “offer the level of enthusiasm to my duties that is deserved by the university, coaching staff, etc…”

Apparently, said lack of enthusiasm may have something to do with allegations that an associate of former Trojan one – and – done star guard O.J. Mayo received payment from Floyd for helping Mayo decide to come to USC.

If the ongoing NCAA investigation proves out to be true, it may be a contract buyout was Floyd’s motivation and not any lack of enthusiasm…

“Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill.”

— Wesley Snipes in “Blade.”

Floyd, who had three years remaining on his contract, had the Trojans in the NCAA tournament three of his last four years, something not done by any previous Trojan basketball coach; but the fallout from his departure has been felt as four starters have opted for the pro draft, and other recruits pledged to come to USC have split to go elsewhere.

Trojans’ athletic director Mike Garrett accepted the resignation, but may well be resigned to this reality instead…

“You’re human.”

{Barely – I’m a lawyer.}

In addition, Floyd, who at one time was rumored in the mix for the University of Arizona job, pulled out of the running for that position; no doubt due to issues of enthusiasm – or lack of…

“Better get you some sunscreen, Buttercup.

{Listen, shit kicker! You’re about one cunt hair away from hillbilly heaven.} I love it when you talk dirty.”

The irony of this is here was a coach who quite possibly knew the real deal; that somehow student-athletes are gonna have to be paid in order for this system of indentured servitude we know as big time collegiate athletics to have a point of balance.

Arguments about not paying young men and women who generate billions in revenue for Division I schools aren’t as much apples to oranges as they are the fruits of their labors made into a pie that they don’t get a piece of…

” Who do you think God really favors in the web – the spider, or the fly?”

But the NCAA and its Pimp Flava Supreme, Myles Brand, like any pimp worth his goldfish – heeled platforms, won’t settle for some or half – he wants all that cash! And if he finds even a couple of bills didn’t properly funnel his way as matter of proper tribute and protocol – well, all I can say is:

“You obviously do not know who you are fucking with!”

(Karel Roden, Kris Kristofferson, Matt Schultze, Thomas Kretschmann and Wesley Snipes in “Blade II.”)

Lie #3: The “Settlement” between the Retired Players v. the NFLPA:

Less than two weeks ago, an announcement that an agreement to settle a successfully adjudicated class action suit by over 2,000 former NFL players against their own union was in effect seemed like a proper closing to a matter which should never have happened.

However, the payment of $26.25 million of an awarded $28.1 million didn’t break off in a manner that would immediately benefit those who desperately need it.

Joe DeLamielleure, former star offensive lineman with the Buffalo Bills and Cleveland Browns, put the gesture in its’ proper context in an interview with the Cleveland Plain-Dealer. “It’s a joke – they’re paying it out over two years. How many retirees will die by then?

“You’ve sold me Humble Bellows – and to a king’s flunky!

{Aye. ‘Tis my modest opinion that no man can fly pirate colors who’s not willing to sell his friend, his sweetheart, or his mother.} ‘Well spoken, Mr. Bellows.’ “Foul spoken it is, Humble Bellows. You’ve turned your hand against your captain’s back. Yellow was never a pirate’s color.”

{Nor rescuing a fair maiden a pirate caper.}

After the retired players were threatened with contested legal action that would’ve dragged the affair even longer, the expanded payment plan may prove even more painful than a fight to the Supreme Court.

Former Old School players like Dave Pear, Bernie Parrish, Marvin Cobb and Bob Grant along with recent retirees like Kyle Turley have proven to provide a formidable collective voice for keeping on message and reminding those who will listen about the plight of those who helped build the NFL into a mega – billion dollar operation…

“You may be over-confident, Captain Vallo. There are 200 of the King’s marines aboard this vessel.”

{And only 20 pirates – that puts the odds slightly in my favor. Better surrender the ship.}

Parrish, who spearheaded the successful class action suit, also revealed some prior startling information to BASN as to how the current NFLPA leader, DeMaurice Smith, ascended to the position during Super Bowl week;

” You are a fighter. Fight with us. Fight for something decent.”

{Not I. All my life I’ve watched injustice and dishonesty fly the flag of decency. I don’t trust it.}

While talk of a war chest for legal purposes was to be part of the designed use for the estimated $10,000 payout per head, the rationed payments allow the NFLPA to gain a good portion of the $26 million back – in accrued interest over the same time period; and stifle the efforts of the Old School Players to further redress long – standing issues of unfairness and maltreatment.

What is most disturbing about this turn of events is that it again casts a dark pallor over the former head of the NFLPA, Gene Upshaw, and the despicable way in which he treated players who ate the same dirt he did on the field of battle…

“Meantime, we got regular Pirate Business to settle. We got the plank, the culprit and the verdict. All we need’s a trial, an execution and a sentence.

{He’s guilty!} “So much for the trial – now for execution!”

(Dialogue between Burt Lancaster, Eva Bartok, Torin Thatcher, Leslie Bradley, and Charles Horvath in “The Crimson Pirate.”)

Lie #4: The Crimson Lied…

The scandal bug has now hit the University of Alabama like a plague of boll weevils through a cotton field.

For the past three years, the NCAA has looked at Alabama’s books – school books; that is – and a situation where textbooks were improperly purchased have a link to several members of the Crimson Tide’s football team.

Penalties recommended include three years probation and revoking of all wins in which any of the football student-athletes identified by the university as those wrong doers involved competed while ineligible during the 2005-06 through 2007-08 academic years, as well as 15 other student athletes in other sports, and a $43,900 fine.

The sports affected include football, baseball, men’s and women’s basketball, and 12 other sports programs located at the university’s Tuscaloosa campus.

NCAA investigators also said it was discovered that among over 200 student-athletes which received illegal benefits, 22 were identified by the university as “intentional wrongdoers,” as they were aware they received improper benefits. Fourteen of those student-athletes were members of the school’s track and field teams.

The committee said the violating student-athletes were using the textbook distribution program to acquire textbooks and other materials for friends and girlfriends.

What this brings to light is the NCAA closed the barn door way after the horse left!

Because in spite of wins taken away from the football team, it doesn’t take away the cash already earned; nor does it reflect any removal of scholarships, or penalize by taking away any television appearance fees or possibilities of appearing in post – season bowl games.

And don’t let the fact that this is the third time in a decade the University of Alabama has been so cited for infractions, well, the only thing one can glean from that is:

“Oh a brother can work in fast food; if he can’t invent computer games; but what we used to call America; that’s going down the drain.

“How’s a young man gonna meet his financial responsibilities workin’ at a motherfuckin’ Burger King? He ain’t! And please don’t even start with that school shit! There ain’t no education going on up in that motherfucker!

“Obscenity? We got a million brothers in prison; I mean, the walls are really rockin’ But you can bet your ass they’d all be out if they could pay for Johnny Cochran.

“The Constitution is supposed to give them an equal chance; well, that ain’t gonna happen for sure; ain’t it time to take a little from the rich motherfucker and give a little to the poor?

“I mean, those boys over there on the monitor; they want a government smaller and weak; but they be speakin’ for the richest 20 percent when they pretend they’re defendin’ the meek;

“Ahh, shit, fuck, cocksucker, that’s the real obscenity; Black folks livin’ with every day; is trying to believe a motherfuckin’ word Democrats and Republicans say…”

— Warren Beatty in “Bulworth.”

Lie #5: Slammin’ Sammy

Recently, outfielder Sammy Sosa filed his official retirement from Major League Baseball. Sosa, he of the 609 career home runs and efforts to save baseball in 1998 (aka “the Summer of Love”) which earned him the “Co – Sportsmen of the Year” along with Mark McGwire a decade ago, now awaits his reward; which he believes will be a plaque in Cooperstown.

Well, if that is true, MLB left him quite a going away gift: On June 16, 2009, the New York Times reported Sosa was on a list of 103 players who tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003. The paper did not identify the drug.

Sosa’s agent, Adam Katz, told The Associated Press he had no comment on the report. Commissioner Bud Selig’s office spokesman Rich Levin also had no comment, saying Major League Baseball didn’t have a copy of the test results…

“They FUCK YOU at the drive-thru, okay? They FUCK YOU at the drive-thru! They know you’re gonna be miles away before you find out you got fucked! They know you’re not gonna turn around and go back, they don’t care. So who gets fucked? Ol’ Leo Getz! Okay, sure! I don’t give a fuck! I’m not eating this tuna, okay?”

— Joe Pesci to Mel Gibson & Danny Glover in “Lethal Weapon 2.”

As if it were time – released doses of arsenic, another bomb is dropped from the pages of the Shit List. So Selig has no copy of the test results, but Sosa is culpable?

How Dick Dastardly can you get? And to add further insult to injury, the limp – dick lemmings which make up the Baseball Writers of America will now pick at the bones of Sosa’s carcass, castigating him as a disgrace to the game because of their “findings” – never mind these duplicitous bastards were gettin’ over like fat rats in a cheese factory while pimping off of Sosa’s home runs…

“See what happened was it was time to come down on a nigger. It’s like smoking – they’ve got to have a nigger every 20 minutes…”

Alex Rodriguez and Manny Ramirez both apologized and it still wasn’t enough;

“The one thing that bothered me, the one thing that stayed in my mind and I couldn’t get rid of it, that haunted me, was why. Why would she lie? What was her motive for lying? If my client is innocent, she’s lying, why? Was it blackmail? No. Was it jealousy? No. Yesterday I found out why. She doesn’t have a motive, you know why? Because she’s not lying… and ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the prosecution is not going to get that man today, no, because I’m gonna get him! My client, the Honorable Henry T. Fleming, should go right to fucking jail! The son of a bitch is guilty!

Years of persecution in going after Barry Bonds because they must break his defiant Black ass; but Sosa, who smiled and played Robin to McGwire’s Batman, is treated like so much guano…

“You’re out of order! You’re out of order! The whole trial is out of order! They’re out of order! That man, that sick, crazy, depraved man, raped and beat that woman there, and he’d like to do it again! He *told* me so! It’s just a show! It’s a show! It’s “Let’s Make A Deal”! “Let’s Make A Deal”! Hey Frank, you wanna “Make A Deal”? I got an insane judge who likes to beat the shit out of women! Whaddya wanna gimme Frank, 3 weeks probation?”


And where is the league bastion of morality, Commissioner Selig?

“You, you sonofabitch, you! You’re supposed to stand for somethin’! You’re supposed to protect people! But instead you rape and murder them!”

And no one but those other 100 or so players and the Commissioner know who will be the next name ticked off the list.

No doubt Sosa’s farewell “gift” came with a note: ” Muchas Gracias, Sammy – for letting us screw you like a 60 watt bulb. Sincerely, Bud Selig.”

Harsh, you say? Not as harsh as having a man like Sosa build a career from nothing – only to have his own sport destroy him at their leisure.

Even Sosa now knows they are enjoying tearing him down much more than they ever did building him up…

“That man is guilty! That man, there, that man is a slime – he is a slime! If he’s allowed to go free, then something really wrong is goin’ on here!”

— Dialogue between Robert Christian, Craig T. Nelson and Al Pacino in “and Justice for All.”

Lie #6: Monkey See, Monkey Who?

Now this last one may not have the initial link to sport than the others have, but I think you will see my point.

Another story that has been severely underreported since first posted has been the vile comment South Carolina GOP douche bag Rusty DePass said about the country’s First Lady.

When a gorilla escaped from Columbia’s Riverbank Zoo, DePass (paraphrasing) said, “One of Michelle (Obama)’s relatives – probably harmless.”

Now since we know the President would whip dat ass if it weren’t a matter of protocol, the comment itself goes back to the basest of insults.

The creepy notion that many of the assholes who sit in press boxes everywhere sit with that notion set in their heads; that in turn spreads to the fans. The same ones who would throw bananas and make monkey chants…

Or cheer for a team that would use a gorilla as its mascot, in spite of the team being called the “Suns.”

Now of course, this sumbitch didn’t apologize; but the state attorney general, Henry McMaster, basically let that bullshit slide.

Well, we ain’t having that shit! If you are as offended as I am, get in the AG’s ass; because politics is one thing – but he dogged the First Lady and Sasha and Malia’s momma;

And you know how we feel when you talk about someone’s momma…

“Paragraph: If we are ever to have law and order in the West, the first thing we gotta do is take out all the lawyers and shoot ’em down like dogs.”

— Henry Hull in”Jesse James.”

Tell Attorney General McMaster we will not skate on this bullshit!

Here’s his contact info:

Henry McMaster P.O. Box 11549, Columbia, S.C. 29211

Phone: 1-803-734-3970

“Beware the beast Man, for he is the Devil’s pawn. Alone among God’s primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother’s land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him; drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of death.”

— Roddy McDowall, in “Planet of the Apes.”

To be continued…