A Fifth of Imitation

By Michael-Louis Ingram
Updated: May 25, 2009

PHILADELPHIA — Once again, we present our take on sports & current topics as seen through celluloid eyes…

“And I have just the men for the job. You see, I wouldn’t want you thawing out any of those Mad Dog Killer types…and none of them muthafuckas from New York!”

– Wesley Snipes to Nigel Hawthorne in “Demolition Man”

Revisionist History

Apparently, Brett Favre is harder to get rid of than in – laws. After an unceremonious departure from the regular season where he quarterbacked the New York Jets to the golf course instead of the playoffs, Farve officially retired – again – on the heels of criticism by some Jet players as being more problem than solution when it came to New York’s playoff aspirations (and, of course, no one has come out and actually said Favre and the Jets choked in the clutch – until now…they did!)

Now the Minnesota Vikings have the hots for Farve. The Vikes are a loaded team with a quarterback (Tarvaris Jackson) who survived in-house politics and a benching to lead his team to a division title and the playoffs; and his reward for such efforts?

The selection of career backup Sage Rosenfels and the pending return of Farve to the NFL as a Viking. The motive behind Farve as the Vikings’ starting QB by divine right smacks more of revenge against Farve’s Green Bay Packers rather than an upgrade under center; and the jockeying from NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to the germination of the Farve saga by ESPIN into hours of inanity and a double – dog dare that Minny take Farve and fulfill Goodell’s manifest destiny to have him break the all – time consecutive starts record added to this scenario.

To have Farve break the record would take him beyond icon status; in spite of the fact Farve’s selfishness in not helping Aaron Rodgers got a pass from the entire league and all the big mouths at The Mouse.

The same muthafuckas that constantly rail about players being locker room “cancers” because of their lack of commitment to team didn’t say shit when No. 4 treated his teammate and fellow quarterback like Number Two – and publically told his team he wasn’t helping Rodgers to take his job.

But let’s get back to the symbolism stuff. When the embodiment of durability in the rough and tumble world of the NFL is not just any player but a white quarterback, it’s enough to give Chip Hilton a hard on!

So in spite of the fact Jackson drove the truck (you don’t do sedans in Minnesota in December), he may have to turn over the keys for no good reason.

I’m sorry, Ms. Jackson – but in the NFL as we know it, that is for real…

“Nigger, you fucked with the wrong bull. You should’ve learned your lesson on the fuckin’ basketball court. But you fucking monkeys never get the message. My father gave me that truck, motherfucker! You come here and shoot at my family? I’m gonna teach you a lesson now, motherfucker. Put your fuckin’ mouth on the curb.

{Come on, man} I said put your mouth on the curb {Derek, no!} Now say good night!”

– Dialogue between Edward Furlong, Antonio David Lyons & Edward Norton in “American History X.”

Up Against the Wall

To many Met fans, Dwight Gooden represents the halcyon days of New York baseball. In a recent appearance at the new, taxpayer owned CitiField, Gooden, when asked by a fan to put his John Henry on a piece of wall, gladly obliged.

Later he saw his gesture pissed on by Met management, who considered his signature to be “graffiti.”

After some unexpectedly heated response by baseball fans (as in, “are you outta your muthafuckin’ mind?”) Met management re-spun the tale to later state the signature would be part of a Wall of Fame in another part of the ballpark.

Brain farts by the Mets notwithstanding, the issue would’ve never come to pass if Tom Seaver had signed that wall first…

“I thought you was better than the white man, Masta. But you is just…White!”

– Ken Norton to Perry King in “Mandingo.”

The Cuban Embargo

The elimination of the Dallas Mavericks by the Denver Nuggets in the NBA Playoffs has become a sidebar in lieu of the recent actions of Mavs’ owner Mark Cuban. In a hotly – contested third game in their series, Cuban called Nuggets’ power forward Kenyon Martin a “thug” – and he said this to Martin’s mother, who was in the stands when Carmelo Anthony’s last second three pointer beat Dallas to go up 3-0.

As the boorishness of Cuban’s attitude permeated through his team’s fan base, they began to take liberties with common courtesy, verbally harassing and insulting wives and family of several Denver players while the series continued.

Cuban would eventually apologize for his behavior — on his blog — instead of manning up and saying what needed to be said to Martin and his family. Commissioner David Stern did not fine Cuban, but would have surely fined Martin had positions been reversed.

That Cuban’s sense of entitlement determined his lack of class doesn’t make it a huge stretch as to how he possibly feels about his own charges…

“Get this through your head, you Jew motherfucker, you! You only exist out here because of me! That’s the only reason! Without me, you, personally, every fuckin’ skell around’ll take a piece of your fuckin’ Jew ass! Then where you gonna go? You’re fuckin’ warned! Don’t ever go over my fuckin’ head again – you motherfucker, you!”

– Joe Pesci to Robert DeNiro in “Casino.”

The Sum of All Fears

The ongoing efforts by the retired NFL players in getting the monies awarded them in their class action suit now takes a new turn at an upcoming summit in Las Vegas from May 29-31.

During this weekend, another meeting of NFL Alumni will be taking place in Palm Springs, about 40 minutes as the jet flies. Among those in attendance there will be the new head of the NFLPA, DeMaurice Smith.

Smith, who felt his current staff was suitable in spite of the fact members of said staff were found to have been in “violation of their fiduciary responsibility,” in the judge’s summary, has a chance to be either a bridge builder or toll taker; although the toll already put upon many of these players has exacted a very high price…

“Some trust fund prosecutor, got off-message at Yale thinks he’s gonna run this up the flagpole? Make a name for himself? Maybe get elected some two-bit congressman from nowhere, with the result that Russia or China can suddenly start having, at our expense, all the advantages we enjoy here? No, I tell you. No, sir! Corruption charges! Corruption? Corruption is government intrusion into market efficiencies in the form of regulations. That’s Milton Friedman. He got a goddamn Nobel Prize. We have laws against it precisely so we can get away with it. Corruption is our protection. Corruption keeps us safe and warm. Corruption is why you and I are prancing around in here instead of fighting over scraps of meat out in the streets. Corruption is why we win.”

– Tim Blake Dalton to Jeffrey Wright in “Syriana.”

As Black As the Ace O’ Spades

The blow Black on the part of ESPIN’s Destination Emasculation came in full effect with the news that Atlanta Falcons’ quarterback Michael Vick was granted early release from his cell in Leavenworth, Kansas – to fill out the remainder of his sentence under house arrest.

Any expectation of balance was quickly dashed during a recent presentation of their First Take show, where the Two Live Stews played point/counterpoint with resident protagonist Skip Bayless.

When the issue of Michael Vick came up, the dialogue of Vick always being a quarterback, having a winning record, achieving success in the playoffs in spite of quality receivers (including whippin’ Farve’s Green Bay Packers in their frozen tundra ass) was offered by the Stewart brothers; while Bayless looked to digress, ignoring Vick’s success and desiring to have him come back as some bastardized Wildcat anomaly or Slash aberration – because he’s not a “drop back passer.”

Once Vick was confirmed released and in transit to Virginia, the following day’s discussion on the show presented the disappearance of the Stews for Jackie McMullen, whom promptly screeched at how Vick should be suspended another year from playing in the NFL.

For the third consecutive week, whether it was Rob Parker or the Stews providing too much heat for the opposition, the removal of their input in mid-week seems to be a deliberate effort to nullify strong dissenting opinion on any topic contrary to their agenda.

When Parker sounded off on Farve’s selfishness and how if it were ESPIN favourite whippin’ boy Terrell Owens acting like a bitch, the rhetoric would be pumped up to the max against Owens, he was replaced the next day by a mealy – mouthed reply supporting Farve from Howard Bryant.

Now that Vick is out, ESPIN seeks to play proctologist, with as many cameras and microphones up his Black ass as possible. The dehumanization continues as strangers with pit bulls knock on the Vicks’ door and others want to “pray” with him.

While nebbish muthafuckas who have never played a down of football wanna tell the world why they think Vick can’t play football. It has become so bad that football has fallen far down the line in terms of relevance to Vick’s sense of self due to the nest of vipers hissing at him over the airwaves; ready to strike with lethal doses of venom which are designed to have his soul die as slow and as agonizing public death as agendas will allow…

“The jungle creed says the strongest feed / on any prey that it can; and I was branded beast at every feast / before I ever became a man.”

– Laurence Fishburne in “Deep Cover.”

To be continued…