Straight No Chaser: Be Like Mike

By Desi Cortez
Updated: February 5, 2009

DENVER — I’m confused . . . What’s new?

Aqua Boy, Michael Phelps, the subject of an Kodak moment, which would be, for a ebony diver, the end of the swim; get out of the pool boy, give me your goggles, your speed- o water draws, and leave the premises please or we’ll call the authorities . . . .

This is going to be hard enough, really, really rough actually for Republican sportsfans; they’re going to have to accept not just Phelps, but Santonio Holmes. . . . who’s going to DisneyWorld.

Despite being in Mike Tomlin’s doghouse during this season for smoking a blunt, Santa was amazingly disciplined and focused – enough to comprehend and execute the game plan, remember his routes, rise to the occasion, hell, just rising, getting out of bed that Sunday morning, and make critical plays at critical moments.

According to some, firing-up a joint – akin to shooting up Heroin . . . But that thought process only usually comes into play when the cat smokin’ weed is a black cat.

Now that a Great White Hope like Phelps is caught . . . it’s a private matter.

A private matter. Yes, you read that correctly. Your ears weren’t deceiving you when you heard it on the radio or out of the idiot box – his corporate sponsors, Omega and Speed-O, are deeming this . . . a private matter.

Between Mike . . . and Michael.

Ain’t that some you know what.

This “mild indiscretion” is just that to millions of little White boys in suburbia’s across the country looking up to Phelps . . .

Should they ignore the bong Aqua Boy travels with, or should they understand it’s not an illegal drug . . . when a White guy inhales? Or, are they to understand Mary-Jane is a “good” drug, like Vitamin A. Vitamin M? Vitamin High?

If this flies, what’s next? Mushrooms?

Oh the web we weave, when at first we plan to deceive.

Let me offer this: none of this makes any sense, because it’s based on the insecurities of little White men, from the planet Earth . . . I think.

Why is Mike Vick demonized by the sports press when the authorities suspect he has a stash of weed in his water bottle? Or later, when they used their keyboards to demand he get extra time behind bars . . . because he smoked a joint as he watched his life fall apart . . . ..

Why, because when a Black man does it . . . it’s just more . . .

more. More sinister, more diabolical, more menacing, a little ominous, more threatening, more disturbing, more evil . . . more . . . more – just about every negative connotation there is for more . . . when a Black person does it.

But back to the deceiving aspect of this quagmire America finds itself in.

William Randolph Hearst, media magnate, billionaire and real-life model for Orson Welles’ Citizen Kane – owned large portions of timber acreage; monopoly is the word we’re looking for. Hemp, ala Herb us Ker-nurbus, ala Pot was about to be mass produced like Ford was making cars.

This was a threat to his massive paper-mill holdings – Hearst stood to lose millions and millions of dollars to Mary Jane. Hearst cunningly employed his enormous coast-to-coast network of newspapers and magazines to spread extremely erroneous and astounding tales of the evils of “dope smoking’.”

Hearst pimped widespread racism by associating cannabis with Mexican workers – who were pilfering American jobs, and African-Americans, who were . . . Niggers, quasi-human, maybe, kinda, sorta’ in a way, colored folks, despised by . . . most Americans?

An incongruous side-bar: Hearst was a shameless, blatant racist – and the content of his publications’ more than proved that

Hearst destructive yellow journalism – demonizing cannabis – halted the Hemp industry’s growth, sealed his pine forest fortunes and was so effective, to the point it continues to impact popular opinion today.

Black men simply go mad when they smoke a joint, unable to control their Mandingo lust. Where all the White women . . . .!!

So, racism and classism, exploiting the honor of women in the pursuit of personal profit – is the foundation of the painting and tainting of Pot.

It’s that simple.

Weed’s no more detrimental to civilization then coffee. Firewater and Cancer Sticks kill thousands more. Injure marriages, alter families and destroy humans . . . yet because big business is the Pusherman – deals it, while Uncle Sam financially benefits from it . . . it’s acceptable, viable, hell marketable, salable, alas profitable.

Weed was apart of the product in Iran-Contra-Compton-Crack- Gate, Olie North and the boys poured petrol on the ghetto fires . . . . with the flag draped around them, for profit. Bending the so-called high morals and values of the Founding Fathers, in order to accommodate unbridled greed driven capitalism .

So now, because a role model, a dude we observed the sports media, as well as the mainstream journalist embraced, like Coney Island gay lovers, in the Tunnel Of Love, has been caught one toke over the line . . . . Weed is now officially . . . not that bad for you. Matter-of-factly, it helps young swimmers focus more on the task at hand, as well as expanding their lung capacity.

One false extreme . . . to another, to rationalize, minimize and ultimately justify and defend, hell even endorse . . . what a Great White Hope is caught doing.