Straight No Chaser: My Secret Crush

By Desi Cortez
Updated: November 1, 2008

DENVER — I’ve always been in love with San Francisco, it is truly the grooviest city for aging married guys like me who once fancied themselves as Rodney Romance/ Morris Day types, you know wheeling across the Golden Gate Bridge in a two seat rag-top with a curvaceous creature next to me. Cocktails in the Fillmore, brunch at the classic Franciscan down on the Wharf… Yosi’s

Now, if that scenario included cruising to Candlestick to see a team lead by Mr. Intensity, Mike Singletary, quarter-backed by former #223309532…Mike Vick, and the kicker — Condoleezza Rice.

No, not the field goal kicker, but as President of the San Francisco Forty-Niners….. If that was the utopian day dream I was having… I wouldn’t ever want to regain consciousness. Hey, let a middle aged man dream.

I’ve only elaborated on my little over age 45 fantasy because all the real-life elements, believe it or not, are in a position to make it come true. Condi is plotting how to land the top 49′er gig, Vick’s gonna get out and be ready to prove himself, and Master Gunnery Sergeant Singletary, well, as you know, Mount Mike has already erupted, blown his top, set folks straight on how its going to be if you’re on his team.

And he’s already got a QB controversy – why not solve it. Contact the federalizes and Goodell, let them know Vick has a place of employment when it gets out, his unique services are in-demand.

Singletary is like Bobby Knight, dipped in chocolate, rolled in the pages of the Good Book and with more self discipline. I had an e-mail from a lady, Miranda, who said Singletary has already won Coach-Of-The-Year in her estimation, it was an astute observation, and I agree.

What he did in one game eclipsed anything I’m likely to witness this year, or last year, or the year before….. Hell, based on the message it sent to young Black boys – Singletary ought to get a NAACP Image Award, an EPSN Epsy award, whatever it is, a Soul Train award, a visit to the White House to receive the Presidents award from President…Obama.

Now there’s a dark side to my make-believe land…., Ms. Rice. The wicked, wicked witch of the Right.She is, in a nutshell, evil, a diabolical, detached, non-demonstrative diva, drawn from the depths of despair. I’m serious.

She has used her Vulcan powers, and I mean powers for evil, not good. It’s just that simple. Intellectually she is… a genius in so many ways, gifted and talented beyond most mere mortals, but she has no heart, she has no conscious, no soul.

In the world she hales from, God is power, Power is God. Yeah, we can run with that. Condi has no soul. But she does love football and shoes… go figure.

Another obstacle stopping my thoughts from becoming a reality; It’s hard to believe San Francisco, the Western capital for tree huggin’ Moose kissin’ ex-hippies…. would welcome, with open-arms, the Neo-Conservative Vulcan queen who’s had more than a hand, either via her actions or with her silence and in-actions, in paving the way for the Bush Doctrine, helping implement Trickle Down Voo-Doo Economics and 21st Century Manifested Destiny.

And she did it with a sneering snake-like charm. There’s wouldn’t be enough mushrooms and Mary-Jane in Berkley to smooth this one over.

Rice has been described by other Black intellectuals and activist as “more than strange — they were evidence of profound personal disorientation. A black woman who doesn’t know how to talk to black people.”

That perception, which has proven to be true, won’t play well across the Bay in Oaktown, Land of the Black Panthers. They may have their own team, but the city is only a bridge away…They believe the observations of other Blacks; “Rice is very cold and distant and only black by accident.”

There’s not a lot of love for Condi in the Bay…

Her saving grace, there may be a level of respect which enables folks to separate her personal politics from sports, and accept Rice based on her bodacious badness.

She once said “My parents were very strategic, I was going to be so well prepared, and I was going to do all of these things that were revered in white society so well, that I would be armored somehow from racism. I would be able to confront white society on its own terms.

She does that, with ease. Rice exemplifies the adage that “Women are born, Ladies are made.” Her father, the Reverend Dean Rice practiced the “twice as good” doctrine. In that, black people would have to prove themselves worthy of advancement, and would simply have to be “twice as good” to overcome racism built into the US system.

It is my fear Rice will endorse and enforce this lop-sided Booker T. Strategy of accommodation – well that’s just the way Massa say it be philosophy, which I’ve come to recognize as the law-of-the-land when it comes to Black people in most aspects of life.

In order to get the opportunity a White person receives, you have to be twice as good, and then that’s still not enough to gain respect and credibility in the eyes of …most, yes most, not a fraction, but most of White America.

Obama, top of his Class, the “first this and first that” in an Ivy League school, yet his intelligence political accomplishments and personal competence pales in comparison to …Palin, a mildly educated Alaskan hillbilly.

Daunte Culpepper, who’d retired – while Thigpen starts in KC, the Kid in Baltimore, what’s his name in Detroit, who ever is taking snaps in Cinncy…..? Culpepper is an All-Pro. Does Culpepper have to be quadruply better than most of the pretenders behind-center in this league to start for a losing team?

OJ’s behind bars because he said “nobody can leave this room” while Wall Street Hustlers run free after stealing the roof from over millions of American’s heads…..

Their White-Collar crimes – at least twice as bad, twice as destructive, twice as devastating to twice as many folks as the latest chapter in the Juice’s wild ride he calls a life.

O.J. will do twice, triple, 10 times more time than the aristocrats who’ll do no time for crimes much more insidious. These cats caused murders, divorces, broken families, failed dreams that we, as a nation of worker bees, are just beginning to see.

Wait to after this bleak Xmas.

The pain and misery index will be back, and it will be bleak, baby.

In the end, I fear Condoleezza will, as with Bush, bend over… to accommodate the NFL owners country club, and she’ll make no stands nor implement no policy which is beneficial to Afro-Americans and our agreed upon collective better standing within the league.

I fear Rice will have no comment in the argument surrounding no front office representation, no on-field participation. She’ll never side with labor, she’ll never support rearranging the seats at the franchise holder’s roundtable…. She may even, if need be, put on a red thong and a sexy Black apron…. at the request of her aristocratic associates.

Whoaaa! That visual, Rice in a thong…just woke my ass up.

End of my Golden Gate wet dream.