My Witless News w/the Sports MCs

By Michael-Louis Ingram
Updated: July 28, 2008

PHILADELPHIA — (Cue Morse code) “Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Sports Fan, and all your chips and beer! Let’s go to press…”


By the My Witless News Eye -Team.

Good evening. This is Dick Douchebag for My Witless News.

Over the past few months there have been disturbing blips on the sports radar. Constant reminders of the fine line between sportsmanship and morals going into decline have increased a hundredfold.

Many newspapers make point of including special columns or police blotter items in their sports sections, updating them daily on the missteps of America’s role models.

Unfortunately, what has become most alarming is that these downfallen heroes are no longer all African-American.

Joining me now to discuss this phenomenon is Prof. Putney Swope – Johnson, Ph. D from UCLA (University on the Corner of Lenox Avenue). Dr. Johnson, please tell us your views on these starting revelations:

DJ: Well, I would first like to propose a question to you, Dick. Is that a noun or an adjective?

MWN: I beg your pardon?

DJ: I mean, where have you been? Well, you sit here in front of this stupid teleprompter with your colleagues scratchin’ your nuts between high – fives while you do these lame ass depictions of what you believe to be hip banter while giving up sports scores.

MWN: I’ll have you know, sir, we are the leader in sports television.

DJ: And all that and two bucks will get me on the subway. Now I wouldn’t mind that bullshit so much if you were just mixing it in with won and who lost, but you fools have taken it too far with your selective memory.

MWN: Selective memory?

DJ: Indeed. Situations in which Black athletes are vilified for being thugs or liars or anything unbefitting the jock sniffers seeking to capitalize on their pain because of their sheer resentment of them; while white athletes are given a pass or far less scrutiny when something similar erupts.

MWN: Well, let’s a take a look at what you’re referring to.

DJ: No problem, Dick — check this out. Former New York Yankee Jim Leyritz ran a red light and killed a person. Leyritz, who admitted he had been drinking before getting behind the wheel of his Ford SUV, broadsided the other car last December.

But I haven’t seen anything in the media come remotely close to trashing or putting Leyritz to any scrutiny. Meanwhile organizations like Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD), who claim to be an advocacy group, have again grown silent in speaking out against this.

This isn’t a situation where someone looked to hit the ball harder or run faster by damaging themselves. This Ass Crumb took someone’s life, and will get off with no more than a slap on the wrist, because the court of public opinion has already adjudicated on the matter by their silence — thanks in large part, to the media not focusing on it.

Let me ask you this, Dick – how many of you muthafuckas ever had drinks with this guy? And how come that story wasn’t there to be dissected and given the full treatment like what you guys gave Michael Vick and Marion Jones?

MWN: Well, let’s take a look at Jones and Vick. They’re both liars, they cheated! They’re supposed to be role models for you people…

DJ: Yes, Jones lied — and she only hurt herself; her teammates did not deserve to be punished for what she did.

But let’s look at who’s pointing the fingers. On ESPN’s the Sports Reporters, contributor Mitch Albom says Jones doesn’t deserve a pardon because she lied.

Let’s consider the source: Albom, who lied about being at an NCAA game, yet filed copy implying he was. Any newspaper editor anywhere else would’ve fired this loathsome gnome for fabricating shit. You can’t make up shit that didn’t happen! If Albom were Black, his ass would’ve been kicked to the curb, and he would’ve been blacklisted in the industry.

So here you have a fucking liar like Albom, who was given a pass, having the nerve to twist the knife in someone else’s back because of their transgression.

Let’s also take Jim Rome, who fancies himself as one clever cat with his burn on Jones. This is the same muthafucka who rightfully should’ve got his ass whipped by former NFL quarterback Jim Everett, when he insisted on referring to him as “Chris” as in former tennis champion Chris Evert, especially after Everett asked him to not do that.

My colleague Michael-Louis Ingram interviewed Everett sometime after that incident. Mike, run down what Everett told you:

Dateline, Center City, Philadelphia: “What’s up Putney? When I spoke with Everett soon after the ESPN incident, he intimated his anger was fueled by more than the obvious lack of respect. “I had flown into town and had agreed to this commitment to go on Jim Rome’s show,” said Everett in a 1996 interview. “My lady was expecting, and I really wanted to be by her side.

“But she wanted to me do the interview, and I agreed.”

When asked about Rome’s needling, Everett implied Rome’s mindset was typical of some in the industry. “Most of them never played any ball — they have big mouths, big microphones, and big people backing them up. I strongly feel there is a big resentment factor; and it gives these guys license to just say and do anything.”

DJ: Mike, do you find validity in Everett’s statement? And can you sum up your take on this?

MLI: Oh, heeeeelllllllllllz, yeah! We see jock sniffers like Rome all the time in the locker rooms; and we hear them screeching on the sports talk radio stations.

What I find most disturbing about this is the teams and the leagues know these guys don’t know dick about the sport for the most part; they play to the basest and lowest common denominator. They treat them as if they were journalists, but when they get caught on some bullshit, all of a sudden, they’re entertainers!

Frankly, I’m surprised Chris Evert didn’t come on the show’s set and bitch slap his punk ass for defaming her good name.

You noticed Rome didn’t pull that nonsense with the brothers? But then they would have had their Black asses arrested for assault, while the little shit would’ve gone off on some tangent about how they (Black people) couldn’t control themselves.

It is my humble opinion that guys like Rome should’ve been left on a picnic blanket in a Kleenex; or down their daddy’s throat. Hell, they wish they were as tough as Chris Evert, let alone Jim Everett.

But the problem is a nationwide one. Locally, we had Howard Eskin pull that same kinda shit on Phillies’ manager Charlie Manuel last year, and Manuel wanted to whip his ass.

Jock sniffers like Rome and Eskin won’t go away until people start forcing them to focus on the story and not the so-called “personality” that believes they are the story. Reporting live from Green Street in Spring Garden, this is Michael – Louis Ingram for My Witless News.”

DJ: Well, Mr. Douchebag — any comment?

MWN: (Glowers at Dr. J) When we come back, we’ll speak on the Brett Favre controversy in 60 seconds.

(Commercial music) 1-800-Blame-the-Black-Guy

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MWN: And we’re back. As stated earlier, we are delving into the understanding of the thug element spreading beyond the African American in pro sports — into affecting whites. Before we went off the air, Dr. Johnson, you asked me how I felt about the last excerpt. I respectfully disagree on the premise there is a tendency to slant news based on what color the felon is.

DJ: Well I respectfully accept the fact you wish to keep your job, Dick.

MWN: Come again?

DJ: Look even when someone Black does the right thing, it’s not enough for some folks. Very recently, Sam Alipour, a reporter for ESPN, was involved in an automobile accident sometime after their ESPYS award presentation in Los Angeles. He was helped out of the wreckage by Good Samaritan Terrell Owens, who immediately stopped to help him and attended to him until help arrived.

Instead of just thanking the man, he just couldn’t help himself from writing a sarcastic article, making fun of Owens’ interview after the Dallas Cowboys’ playoff loss to the New York Giants, where he wept openly and spoke of his disappointment at the loss.

In the article, Alipour quotes, “So, T.O. was nice, huh?” says the medic who took my blood pressure inside the ambulance. “Boy, you think you know somebody, but the media doesn’t tell you the whole story. You never know how they really are.”

“Guilty as charged.”

The tone of Alipour’s article clearly indicates he has a problem with this man saving his life. Because now, this man is forced to look at Owens as a human being, instead of the nigger diva the press loves to make fun of.

The Black buck who had his Mandingo Moment with Nicolette Sheridan of “Desperate Housewives” caused ABC )Television and Monday Night Football to lose their mind over a promo tease where Sheridan offers him the choice of going to play football or stay and get some pussy from Miss Ann ’cause Massa won’t know if they go behind the shed.

Never mind the man’s natural talents, which he fortifies with an unreal work ethic; these are the images mainstream media wants to you have of Owens; a spoiled, selfish athlete who isn’t a human being, but a cartoon character.

Speaking of selfish, I think that’s a good segue into discussing Brett Favre -

MWN: What do you mean, Brett Favre’s selfish? He’s arguably the greatest quarterback in NFL history!

DJ: Well, before you start popping blood vessels, hear me out. The recent furor over Favre wanting to return after announcing his retirement is unprecedented. Eye – Team correspondent Wendell P. Simpson is in Atlanta, and provides us with some insight.

Thank you, Doctor Johnson. Here in Atlanta, Brett Favre began his NFL career after being drafted 33rd overall in the 1991 Draft. With no hopes of becoming the starter for the Atlanta Falcons, a trade to Green Bay the following year proved to be his salvation.

Since then, Brett Favre has won championships, earned a Super Bowl ring, set numerous records and done anything he has pretty much wanted to in football.

At 38 years old and in seemingly good health, Favre said earlier this year he was ready to move on. Apparently, the Packers front office seems to feel the same way, as they have Aaron Rodgers ready to be the man in Green Bay.

But Favre’s selfishness and hubris now permeates his legacy as a player.

DJ: Wendell, explain the selfish aspect, if you will.

WS: Well, it’s a two-fold jealousy. In order to be a great anything, a certain amount of selfishness is required, along with a lot of personal sacrifice. In athletics and the performing arts, this is especially true, because it shows when you put the time into your work — and when you don’t.

As it pertains to Favre, it’s not about his playing anymore, it’s about his starting. Remember, this is the same Aaron Rodgers who Favre said he would never train to “take his job.” In a team sport like football, that is borderline criminal to the concept; and sets up a paradigm in which the desire for success exists only if he’s in control of it.

Favre has now started 253 games in his career. The record for consecutive starts is held by Minnesota Viking defensive lineman Jim Marshall, who should be in the Hall of Fame, by the way…

MWN: Wendell, are you saying if Favre can’t come back as a starter, he doesn’t want to play in Green Bay?

WS: That’s exactly what I’m saying; and that’s why I also believe NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stuck his nose in Green Bay’s business. I feel Goodell wants to elevate Favre to Babe Ruth status by having him start anywhere so he can keep his consecutive streak going. Then next season, he starts two more games to break the record and gets anointed as a pigskin god.

MWN: I must say I don’t agree with your reasoning, Mr. Simpson; Brett Favre’s amassed a ton of NFL records.

WS: Yeah — and how would it look if a quarterback compiled the greatest record for longevity in a league where one play can end a career?

DJ: Wendell, do you really feel Commissioner Goodell wants this?

WS: Oh, hhheeellllllllllllllllllllllll ll, yeah! We can see with the Michael Vick madness here in Atlanta and the alienation of proven talent like Daunte Culpepper, the desire of the League to return to those desired images being the quarterback represents — embodied in their Sunday afternoon hero as the prototype for all future quarterbacks to come.

It’s ironic that here where Favre started, the effort to return to such an image was evident with the selection of Matt Ryan, quarterback from Boston College, as their first-round selection and future of the franchise. Coming to you live from Peachtree and the heart of Atlanta, this is Wendell P. Simpson, for My Witless News.

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!