Dial 1-800-BTBGFAU

By Michael-Louis Ingram
Updated: July 3, 2008

PHILADELPHIAOperator: This is 1-800-Blame-the-Black-Guy. May I help you?

Male voice: Yes, ma’am. I represent several golfers in the prime of their careers. We have a group gripe against one Eldrick “Tiger” Woods. Nothing we seem to do help us to defeat this guy. If one of us is six strokes up on him in a tournament, we’re always looking over our shoulder, ’cause we know he’s coming. If we’re six strokes behind, we know we can forget it ’cause Tiger ain’t gonna git caught. Ah hate to admit it, but he’s so damn good, he’s downright illegal!

Now it comes out he was kickin’ our asses on a bum leg for over 10 damn years! Now that it’s getting’ fixed, none of us will ever get to be No. 1 because, short of an act of Gawd, that sum bitch will be the best for as long as he wants. Is there anything you can suggest to help our situation?

Operator:Yes, you can convince him to follow his good friend Kelly Tilghman down a dark alley, or enjoy the extra cash you’ll be making by placing second to Mr. Woods in his appearances. Have a nice day!

New Call

Operator:1-800-Blame-da-Brothas. May I be of service?

Female voice:Yes, you may. I’m speaking on behalf of the International Women’s Tennis Cartel. Our complaint is with this chap, Richard Williams. We find him to be a meddlesome oaf, garrulous, annoying — in short, a boil on our collective buttocks. His whelps, Venus and Serena, are giving tennis something it doesn’t want. We scoffed at Mr. Williams’ rants when he said his girls would one day play for the title at Wimbledon. We knew they had some measure of talent, but we bloody well didn’t expect it to last this long – and with tennis as their part-time vocation!

At their present rate, Venus and Serena will dominate women’s tennis longer than we’d care to see. Not that we’re prejudiced, mind you. We simply cannot stomach Richard Williams and his Cheshire Cat grin. I implore you, is there any counsel you can offer to help remedy our situation?

Operator:Well, you could bitch-slap the so-called journalist who implied the Williams women would throw a match out of sibling concern. Especially in lieu of the fact several male tennis players, specifically from Italy and Eastern Europe have been either convicted or fined for throwing matches, with nary a whimper on the other of the side of the pond.

Oh – you could also have Mr. Williams coach your young talent, couldn’t you? Good day!

New Call

Operator: 1-800-Yes-he-did-it. Whassup?

Male Voice:Hello. I work for Immigration Canada, and I’m tired of being blamed for racially profiling black people coming into Canada. Why do they have to come here anyway? I don’t mean it quite like that. I didn’t know the guy was a sports journalist; he didn’t…look like one.

I just wish we weren’t ordered to do it. Many of my colleagues feel the same way. Is there anything you can offer to help?

Operator:I would suggest a career change, to retail. That way, you can follow all the black males you want, and be rewarded for your efforts without the guilt. Have a nice day!

Frustrated with life and looking for someone to take the weight? Give us a call. Operators are standing by 24-7. 365 days a year.

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Call us up and don’t feel guilty

With a little luck

They won’t be back!

The following was written on behalf of Phoebe Fraunces, who saved General George Washington’s life in a plot to murder him by the British during the American Revolution.

This young black woman, daughter of an innkeeper, threw out a dish of poisoned peas deemed for the would-be Father of our Country’s dinner table, into the yard, where the chickens that ate them soon died.

Thomas Hickey, a young Brit who had worked his way into Washington’s inner circle and knocked boots with Phoebe, thought his pimp hand was strong enough to sway Phoebe into putting the skull and crossbones on Mr. Dollar Bill by talking her into offering the General the food.

When Phoebe played his ass and reneged on his bitch-ass, Hickey was caught and was hanged as a traitor for his dirty deed.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Now I know you didn’t hear this in grade school or high school because I didn’t either – and I’ve got a little time on me.

But if Nathan can Hale that he had but one life to give to his country and Patrick would sign his John Henry before declaring, “Give me liberty…or give me death.”

Then all Americans should surely give props to a young Black woman who merely saved an entire country.

Put some red white and blue on that, why don’t you?