Imitated — But Never Sequeled

By Michael-Louis Ingram
Updated: April 3, 2008

PHILADELPHIA — There’s only one thing better than a great movie; and that’s an even better sequel. So, on that note:

“Surprise me!”

–Tim Robbins, “Antitrust.”

Just Screw It…

Murray Bergtraum High School in New York City has been home to one of the best girls’ hoops programs in the metropolitan area. The Lady Blazers recently won their 10th consecutive Public School Athletic League championship, but the celebration was severely spat upon by the “Just Do It” gang at Nike.

According to a New York Daily News article, Coach Ed Grezinsky said a Nike representative brought the girls new sneakers to wear prior to the game. The team didn’t wear them because, as coach was quoted to say, “You can’t play in new sneakers…I would think they (Nike) would know that; they’re in the business and deal with a lot of athletes.”

When the victorious Lady Blazers came back to the locker room, they found their new sneakers were gone. Not jacked, but taken back by Nike. “The Nike guy said he took them back because we didn’t wear them in the game — I thought he was kidding.”

“If I had a dick, this is where I’d tell you to go suck it.”

“I would never ask kids to wear new sneakers the day of a game,” said Grezinsky. You have to break them in.”

“You’re all cocksuckers! I knew it first, I just didn’t want to say it.”

— Betty White to Brendan Gleeson and Bill Pullman in “Lake Placid.”

King Wrong

Mention the word VOGUE and you’re not talking about Friday nights back in the day at the Paradise Garage. A recent cover of the fashion magazine has the Cleveland Cavaliers’ LeBron James posing with model and designer baby mama Gisele Bundchen.

The animalistic pose of ball in hand and damsel in the other as taken by photographer Annie Leibowitz, was a piece of shit palmed off as an artistic statement.

“Look at the golden woman!” “Yeah…blondes are scarce out here.”

In spite of almost immediate negative buzz to the cover, James, dressed in baller attire while Bundchen was in a ball gown, didn’t seem to mind at all…

Add to this the recent inability to foster an opinion or statement pertaining to ongoing tragedies committed in Darfur, James joined the elevated company of Jordan and Woods as those committed to drinking the Goofy Grape ghetto champagne from the pimp chalice of non-committal.

“We’ll give him more than chains. He’s always been king of his world, but we’ll teach him fear. We’re millionaires, boys – I’ll share it all with you. Why in a few months, it’ll be up in lights on Broadway.”

In spite of the poise in which James has used to help save the National Basketball Association from a credibility gap and public relations snafu, the gasp of ‘no comment’ lingers like the last bite of the banana…

“Oh, no it wasn’t the airplanes…it was beauty killed the Beast,”

— Robert Armstong and Frank Reicher in the original “King Kong.”

Canadian Bakin’

Buffalo Bills owner Ralph Wilson says he’s not making enough of a profit to keep the team in Buffalo. So he plans to use Canada as part of the Buffalo’s new hunting ground.

Having the blessing of the Canadian Football League front office, although NFL expansion is not on the menu, the strength of the Canadian dollar (courtesy of President Bush and his pernicious posse of penile pigs) may force the hand of Commi$$ioner Roger Goodell and company to pull an eminent domain bogard north of the border…

“Let me ask you something…we Italians, we got our families, and we got the church; the Irish, they have the homeland; the Jews, tradition, even the niggers, they got their music. What about you people Mr. Wilson, what do you have?

“The United States of America. The rest of you are just visiting.”

— Joe Pesci and Matt Damon in “The Good Shepard.”

Final Floored

The NCAA’s Final Four teams are a lock – and the television gods are giving thanks to the tune of millions of millions in trickle – down revenue; enough to make any capitalist pig at the corporate level squeal for joy.

But, as always the real source for all this cash mon-ay are the student-athletes that don’t get paid. For every bullshit commercial touting the virtues of the NCAA, the nagging reality is that one school (Memphis) has a graduation rate lower than Bobby Dandridge’s career points per game average.

But gee-fucking whiz — that John Calipari can really coach!

Just a thought, guys — now that “Black Magic” has pulled the sheet off who really is responsible for the fourcorners offense, when do you plan on making a fucking commercial about that? And will Dean Smith be part of a celebrity rebuttal?

Oh, well; we all know Monday evening, turn on your music, kill the sound on the television, and put on your waders…because the shit will be deep.

“The fate of the free world in the hands of a bunch of hustlers and thieves. Why should tonight be any different?”

— Ice Cube, Scott Speedman and Xzibit in “XXX: State of the Union.”

Jungle Fervor

Craig Holcomb, a former assistant coach at Iona College in New Rochelle, New York got some well-deserved git-back courtesy of the 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals.

According to accounts posted in the New York Daily News, Holcomb claimed that top-ranking officials at Iona allowed racists to oust him from his job under then head coach Jeff Ruland.

Holcomb accused school Vice President / Athletic Director Richard Petriccione of repeatedly referring to black players as “niggers” and calling a Nigerian employee “jungle bunny.”

Holcomb, who is white, asked Petriccione if he had received an invitation for his wedding to Pamela Gauthier, who is Black. Holcomb’s account says Petriccione replied, “You’re gonna marry that Aunt Jemima? You really are a nigger lover!”

Holcomb was fired in 2004 after refusing to resign. Iona says Holcomb was let go due to poor performance…

“That rat soup eatin’ insecure muthafucka!”

— Rudy Ray Moore in “Dolemite.”

The Sod Father

As we approach the NFL Draft, the latest post-season meetings have wrapped up. In spite of bandying over rule changes and hair length of players, the issue that refuses to go away remains — SpyGate.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft again apologized for any pigskin indiscretions as did coach Bill Belichick, who was probably as pained as me watching the dentist chair scene with Sir Laurence Olivier and Dustin Hoffman in “Marathon Man.”

Meanwhile, the Super Bowl Champ Giants are still status quo on access, in spite of the fact the League and the Pro Football Writers of America know their dirty patchwork turf secret regarding BASN…

“In my city, we would keep the traffic in the dark people, the coloreds. They’re animals anyway — so let them lose their souls.”

— Louis Guss as Don Zaluchi in “The Godfather.”

To be continued…