Listen Up, Dog: Hip Hop Is NOT The Cause Of Dog Fighting

By Dr. Boyce Watkins
Updated: August 15, 2007

NEW YORK — There’s a certain sports writer in the Midwest.

I won’t say his name, for it’s not quite worth mentioning (OK, it’s Jason Whitlock).

You can probably find him if you Google the term “chubby black Uncle Tom sports writers”.

In the Austin Powers tradition, I shall give him a nickname that fits, removing the profanity: We shall call him “Fat Mustard”.

Fat Mustard seems to engage in quite a bit of self-hatred, particularly as it pertains to black people and black men.

His desire to devour all elements of black male culture, especially hip hop, is as great as his need for ice cream.

I was actually going to turn down a Michael Vick segment I created for CNN, primarily because Fat Mustard was listed as a potential guest.

Fortunately, the producer decided to get someone else for the show, since she too didn’t seem to think Mustard’s opinions were worth hearing.

Her soft, exasperated chuckle (“haha, whew!”) at the mere mention of his name let me know that I wasn’t the only one who thinks this guy is a joke.

Fat Mustard’s latest “brilliant” finding is that Michael Vick’s alleged involvement in dog fighting was driven by hip hop culture. This statement was as ridiculous as when Michael Jackson said he created his children with sexual intercourse.

“Interesting observation, Colonel Mustard,” I thought to myself. “So, they didn’t do any dog fighting before rap music was created?”

I guess if you are already blaming hip hop culture for everything else, you might as well throw dog fighting into the mix.

Pretty soon, he’ll be blaming hip hop for Hitler’s attack on Poland.

And that Martha Stewart insider trading scandal?

Shoot dawg, she was just “thuggin”. I bet she posed for her mug shot with a blunt in her mouth.

I watched a feature on underground dog fighting on HBO’s “Real Sports” last night. Based on the warnings of Fat Mustard, I was SURE the ring would be overrun with gold chain wearing, platinum grill having Lil’ John look-a-likes, each one toting a pistol on one hip and an unmarried baby’s mama on the other.

But how many black men (or women) did I see in the dog fighting ring? Zero.

How many of those white men were rappers? Probably none, since most of the participants looked like they shoot rappers for a living. If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve thought I was watching a Klan Rally or a Republican Convention.

If Vick became involved in dog fighting, it was most likely long before he’d ever heard a rap album.

He was probably introduced to dog fighting by someone who identifies more with Quincy Jones than Mike Jones. If dog fighting were to do TV commercials, they would feature a race car driver holding a can of chewing tobacco. Most race car drivers ARE NOT rappers.

So, I have one message for Fat Mustard: Find a way to occupy your time so you don’t spend so much of it attacking your own people.

May I suggest a trip to the gym or the local Jenny Craig meeting?

Perhaps some time on the StairMaster will help you release the haterologist toxins in your body. ESPN The Magazine also wanted to release their toxins, since that’s why they fired you in the first place.